Monday, August 23, 2010

My curiosity will be the death of me someday

Summer is coming to an end and I'm glad.  I just need something to jam me back into reality.  This summer has been full of shenanigans and let-downs.  I get so irritated by friends "making plans" with me, then never showing or never calling back.  Not only am I stood up by men, but my best friends too.  I think it's time to search for a better crowd I can devote time to.  The kids that I work with are almost better "friends" than some of my close, personal friends.
My birthday is coming soon, so I guess that's something to hold my head up for. It's almost a little funny how my family complains about how much money we don't  have, yet cumulatively they spend over $1,000 on me.  Yes, I'm a spoiled, only child.
Also, I'm so wrapped up in thinking about this whole "breakup love drama - story of my life" thing, that it's actually taking the personality and determination away from me.  I feel pathetic about the subject, although I can't control my emotions and heart but so much.  I understand the factor of moving on and finding somebody better and what-not, but it's easier said than done in my personal opinion.  I'd say I'm about 67% there, with the "get over it" topic.  I miss my best friend in him most of all though... He was the only person who ever made me laugh like he did, smile like he made me smile, live like he showed me to live.  As the rap star, Nelly, said, "I opened my eyes, it was just a dream.  So I traveled back, down that road.  Would he come back? No one knows."  In the long run, as Zack had said, it was probably for the best.  But, I wish it didn't end like this.  I miss talking to him, he is one of the greatest people I've ever met. He left for college on the 19th, and it was just another day for me.  Nothing has changed.
A good friend of mine said to me, "Darling, you were happy with being unhappy, and that's not healthy."  Although I'm still waiting for the day when I look at my phone, and see New Text Message: Zackypo.  I doubt I'll ever hear from him if I don't text him first, but that should say something.  According to most of anyone around me, they all think he's not worth my love, time, dedication, or just me in general.  To me, he's worth more than I or the world could give.
I'm trying to be happy without him, and I know I can be.  I really need to get a grip, slap myself a couple times, and get-over-it.  To me though, it's like anything you get used to and caught up in.  For me, finding the drive not to love him, is like a loved one dying.  You have to get up the momentum to accept the passing, and I have a long way to go.

I let myself fall into a lie,
I let myself smile and feel alive,
I let my walls come down,
No matter how I try, I don't know why,
You push so far away.
"With This Knife" by, Smile Empty Soul 

L M Butler

Sunday, August 8, 2010

A real wake up call

Sadly but surely, I miss the kids that I was "teaching".  They might have been a handful at times, although they were amusing and had "spirits", as 'C' had called it.  Some of these kids were unique for their own reasons, and some had a life story worth writing a book on.  There was this one boy who was 12 years old, who grew up in the heart of downtown Dallas. He came from the lower-middle-class and knew a life of drugs and crime.  He and I talked often and we became good buddies.  I asked him one day, "What's the most memorable thing you've ever been through?"
He replied, "Surviving a drive-by in Dallas.  My friend, who was with me, didn't though, he got shot."
It's a real wake up call when a child this young, tells you something like this.  I couldn't help but feel bad for the boy.  He was so sweet and so smart, although he was traumatized from a young age.  He said to me, "I tried to help my uncle get clean, me and my friend did.  But he said that he didn't want to, that stealing and using was easy for him.  That's all he wanted to do.  My family made me move here, from Texas.  They didn't want me to get hurt..."
This boy didn't choose this life for himself, his situation did.  I wish I could give him a better life, but I know I can't.   I feel helpless, although he does too.  I feel like it's people like myself who are too wrapped up in their own problems and own life, to help somebody else like this boy.  But this needs to change.  I'm trying my hardest, giving my 110%, to get over everything so I can make a difference.  I'm tired of just seeing change, I want to be the change.  I don't want to see things happen, I want to make them happen.
On another note, in my own battle with myself, I'm still confused.  I miss Zack, but then again, I think of the Pro's and Con's.  It seems that no matter what, I can only find the positive in him, despite the faults.  I wish I could see him one last time before Longwood, but it kills me to know that I won't.  He's leaving, he doesn't want to talk to me or see me, and I refuse to settle for that.  I'll never see him again once he leaves, and I'm not quite at the point of acceptance.  Although if I keep myself worried about him and when I'll speak to him next, I'll never get to do things I dream of.  He was my dream, but some dreams, need time.  It's time, now, that I focus on other dreams.

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons
I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now!
"Not Afraid" - Eminem

L M Butler

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Another day, another wish, more added hope

I have to admit, no matter where I go that I find amazing, there's no place like home. On Friday, I went to Luray Cavern's with my dad and mom and it was beautiful.  The mountains have always been a favorite place of mine to be ever since I was a child, and a scenic route to Luray was breath-taking.  We drove all though the Shenandoah Valley and Blue Ridge Mountains.  Being the tourist I am, I convinced my father to stop and take pictures and go into some shops along the way.  I picked myself up a pair of navy blue Shenandoah National Park sweat pants. They're very comfortable.  
The whole ride I thought about Zachary, though.  It breaks my heart to think of him dating anyone else but me, much less him "doing the deed" with someone else.  I know that I need to let go, move on, and let it be.  Although my heart won't let me; I fell in love with him so deeply, that now it hurts.  Everything I see reminds me of him, and I can't help it.  I'm in love with him, end of story.  Many of my friends feel that I deserve better than him, and sometimes I think the same thing.  But I'd rather have the man I want, personally.  Like my father said, "If he's worth a damn, he'll come back."  And honestly, deep down, I believe that Zack will be back.  Maybe not anytime soon, but maybe a while down the road.  At least that's what I hope.
On the other hand, I'm trying my best to move on and get on with my life.  Making the best of every day that comes around and trying to keep myself occupied.  Although, it's a little sad when a nursery rhyme can describe exactly how I feel. 

You Are My Sunshine, My only sunshine.  You make me happy, When skies are gray.  You'll never know, dear, How much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away.
The other night, dear,
As I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms.  When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, And I hung my head and cried.  

I'll always love you, And make you happy.  If you will only say the same.  But if you leave me, To love another, You'll regret it all some day; 
You told me once, dear, You really loved me, And no one else could come between.  But now you've left me, And love another.  You have shattered all my dreams.

L M Butler