Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Snow Daze on Snow Days

Frozen lion
If watching the news is in your daily agenda, you have probably heard about the massive snow storm that hit the east coast. It was nothing to really write home about other than it got me out of class today. Yay for a lazy day! On the other hand, my university had facilities management going around campus with bobcat machines to clear the sidewalks. When did they do this? At 5:30 in the bloody morning. It was everything I could do not to scream out my window at them. Oh well... I went back to sleep anyway.
I am currently in the process of losing a best friend, I think. I have secured an apartment for next semester and she is not living with me. Ever since this was finalized, she has been acting like a petty little child. She will not admit to being upset, but it is blatantly obvious. Why else would she act like such an immature brat? We are not talking as much as we used to, and when we do, her responses are either one word or her infamous "yeaa" text... I am a little irritated, can you tell? And not only that, but she drinks all the time now. I genuinely did not realize that she was an alcoholic. I drink on occasion, but it is rare that I drink to the point of drunk. I guess I am just not as entertained by alcohol as she is. It probably does not help that her roommates are even worse. Worse meaning they drink twice as often. I am sorry, but I have no interest in drinking so often or being around a drunk that often. My plan is to simply avoid the behavior that I do not wish to partake in. I love her, but I do not know what the hell her problem is lately.
On another note, I almost got fired from my internship yesterday... Apparently, I have been given three warning about my "work attire" and am "subject to termination." I was not aware that I had been given that many warnings, but alright... I will certainly keep that in mind. I will wear the exact same outfit every single day since I obviously have pathetic taste in my professional wardrobe. It never ceases to amaze me that other people can get away with 'breaking the rules' and not get reprimanded for it. I am not childish enough to mention that to my supervisor, but I will certainly have a change of attitude in the office. No more being buddy-buddy with anyone. Strictly business - showing up and doing what I am asked to do and nothing more. No more talking about my weekend, having small conversation with everyone, or cracking jokes about a single thing. If I am so "unprofessional," I can really show you how "professional" I can be. When my supervisor or coworkers ask why I am acting so reserved, I will gladly explain that I am "only meeting what is acted of me by my supervisor and in my contract..." The email I received about my "third and final warning" was very insulting and made me feel horrible. So, in return, I will gladly act more professional. I have been insulted and degraded far too many times by multiple supervisors at multiple jobs for me to "shut up and take it." I genuinely do not care about what authority somebody has or who somebody might be in the social sphere, nobody insults me and makes me feel inferior. Much less does someone speak to me as if I am an ignorant child whom cannot think independently. 
I am not too sure why, but I am simply miserable here lately. No matter what I do, I am always unhappy. Even when I am extremely happy... For example, Brandon came to visit me and I could not be more ecstatic. I love him to the moon and back, and spending time with him always makes me happy. However, even though I am happy, I cannot help but think in the back of my mind about how much he genuinely does not like me. We have been talking for three full years now, and he is yet to actually commit to me... He says I am the "only girl he spends time with" and so on, but I think it is a load of bullshit. Bullshit. My thought process is, if I am the only girl you spend time with and like in 'that way," why can't you make the move and ask me to be your exclusive girlfriend?... The answer is - bullshit. I have told him time and again that I have very deep feelings for him and he accepts that. However, he is horrified by commitment. Absolutely horrified. His last girlfriend broke up with him after two long years, and got married not even a full month after the breakup. I know that situation made him feel miserable, but now he is taking it out on me by treating me like a convenient piece of ass. I can tell he likes me... But I have zero faith that he will ever want to commit to me and attempt a serious relationship with me... Again, I understand that "we are in college and are trying to get our lives together and secure a future," but for the love of God, stop acting like a fool. I do not know if I should just give up and move on, or wait it out and hope that maybe, one day, he will muster up the balls to commit. Part of me says wait on it, part of me says move the hell on and find somebody else... I have so many good memories with him and not many bad, but the bad consist of how miserable it makes me feel knowing that he does not want me to be his girlfriend. At the end of the day, I have answered my own question... He does not want me. 

All in all, I am so confused. By all three of these situations. One minute I am happy, the next I am miserable and crying my eyes out... Like, what the hell do I do?... I have noticed when things go to shit, I simply ignore them and run away. This has happened a couple times with Brandon, but not with my internship or my best friend... I have a feeling I will just run away from the situation with my friend and suck it up and deal with the internship... 

Like I said, I am an unhappy, happy, lonely, miserable, little person. I genuinely do not know why. 
I am the nicest and most horrible person you will ever meet at the same time... The only time I am horrible to someone is if they cross me or disrespect me...

L M Butler

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

My Apologies

Seriously, I'm slacking. Not just with my blog, but with most things in general. I have just gotten so busy that I can barely keep my mind in one piece.
I recently got an internship with a local politician and I am so absolutely excited. It is not the most exciting work, but I have the sweetest boss ever. I love my job at the CMC, too. However, I have picked up more tasks at that job and I work there a lot more. I still enjoy what I do, it is just a lot of work. Haha.
I AM ABOUT TO GET MY FIRST APARTMENT GUYS. I am so absolutely excited. I am finally getting my "big-girl" life. It is still an ODU on-campus housing thing, so I will not be moving out from home permanently just yet, but it's a good way to start. I actually just got it finalized today, so I am SUPER excited. The awesome thing is that I am living with two girls I have know for ten years, if not longer, and the third girl is a girlfriend of one of the others. I feel like I let my best friend down by not committing to taking a gamble by applying for the other apartments on campus. However, this just lucked out for me.
This whole weekend I had the flu and it's finally getting out of my system. It never fails, every time I'm almost over a cold or the flu, I cannot for the life of me stay out of the bathroom. It sucks. However, I am more than ready to be over this crap.
So I neglected to mention a serious topic that I have, again, neglected for quite a while now. I had an off and on "thing" with a guy for four full years, and it finally came to a screeching halt. It was a miserable end, but it definitely had a long time coming to it. We were never officially a couple, but I'll be damned if I did not have feelings for him. I tried to lie to him and myself saying that I didn't, but we both knew I was avoiding the truth. Long story short, we finally had our last disagreement in October and it ended with me spilling the complete four years worth the information to his girlfriend of four years. Yes, you read that right. Girlfriend. Four years. Cheated for four years. On her. With me. I feel like a complete fool for ever developing feelings for him and allowing myself to literally become a side-bitch. I know I deserve so much better and that is only becoming more apparent by the day now that he and I do not speak at all. We do not have any contact whatsoever and I am not complaining. I never realized how miserable I actually was and how much bullshit of his I put up with just to have him pretend that he liked me for the night or whatever. I find it amazing that I can help my friends through break-ups and throw the facts in their face that they are settling for a complete douche-bag. BUT, God-forbid the situation be the other way around. I cannot convince myself that I deserve better or anything. I honestly did not realize how unhappy he actually made me. I know I found like a complete moron if I say I'm going through a "breakup." However, I genuinely am going through a breakup with that part of my life. That was four years spent and wasted. On the other hand, I definitely learned a lesson from the whole thing. For example, it is a very weird feeling not having him around because he is all I ever focused on for four stupid years. Again, on the other hand, not having him to focus on has made life just that much easier for me.
Rude, I know, but I do not care. At all. I'm at a point in my life where if someone is not making me happy and they are more of a pain in my butt than not, g o o d b y e to you... Grab your memories of us, and I hope the door hits you in the ass on the way out. I have zero toleration for bullshit anymore. Even simple bullshit that I used to put up with just because I am a pushover has become minimal. I even tried to "help" the "main-bitch" girlfriend by telling her everything. I sat and talked to her for a solid six hours. She cried her damn eyes out, got into an argument with the (for lack of better terms) fuckboy excuse of a boyfriend, and of course he denied everything. It did not matter how much proof I had or stories I told, he bold-faced denied it all. I am pretty sure they broke up shortly after that, but I'm surprised it took as long as it did.
BUT GUESS WHAT... They are back together now! Yay! Happy couple! My response? "Well that was a waste of six hours of my time..." I hope I never see the girl again because I will either not be able to hold my tongue or I will laugh in her face like the disrespectful bitch that I am. I am a firm believer of the "once a cheater, always a cheater," and I do not give a damn who you are, the assumption stands. I have seen girls go back to the same cheating boyfriend time after time, and he always cheats again. I know "second chances - people can change," and I am all for that. However, if you cannot be honest with me from the start, our relationship will turn to complete crap at some point and I do not want to stick around to find out when that will be.

Alright, ranting over... For now... Hahaha

My apologies for neglecting my blog.
My apologies for not keeping posted on life matters.
My apologies to my best friend for not taking a risk when I had a guarantee in front of my face.
My apologies to the fuckboy I believed was a wonderful guy.
My apologies to the girlfriend who is so wrapped up in her fairy-tale bullshit to realize she deserves better.
My apologies for being too honest.
My apologies for being too blunt.

In the end, nobody can ever say that I did not stand for what I say and believe in, and nobody can ever say I did not refrain from saying what everyone was thinking but was not brave enough to say.

L M Butler