Let's catch up.

Well, this is awkward. I let myself take a break from blogging to focus on other things, and that break turned into 3 years... I apologize to everyone. In a nutshell, here's the past three years....

High School - Junior year ending:

Went decent. Lost some friends. Kept some friends. Honestly, at this point, it's all a blur. So, obviously it wasn't but so important.

High School - Senior year:

WOOT! Finally graduated. Class of 2013. Applied for Old Dominion University as my only choice. Got in. Worked like a dog at my least favorite restaurant. Got close to a guy in band. Long story short, he was a total pot head who used me as a source of comfort while we were seniors. Once we graduated, he became old news and got into deeper situations with drugs. I'm glad I grew out of that phase.

ODU - Freshman year:

Came in as a mechanical engineering major. That got old REALLY quick. Changed my major 3 times. Mechanical Engn to Computer Science to Political Science. Yeah, I know, BIG jump. However, now that I'm in political science, I am absolutely in love. I'm pursuing a minor in International Studies as well, so that should be riveting. I changed roommates twice this year. My first roommate turned from a wonderful girl to a psychotic bitch within two months. I had to move or, in all honesty, I probably would have killed her. She was absolutely awful to me. My second roommate was one of my good friends from high school. Her and I became very close, but definitely had our struggles once we began living together. After everything, I love her like my sister and I hope we remain friends for the rest of our lives. She ended up leaving ODU for a nursing program back home, so everything worked out in the end for both of us.
Met a sweet and wonderful guy. He helped me a lot when it came to my Computer Science major. Another long story short, I ripped his heart out. He was literally TOO nice. I like a man who can stand his ground with my outgoing and outspoken attitude. He just didn't make the cut.

ODU - Sophomore year:

Technically, I'm only spending one semester as a sophomore. I have too many credits after this semester so HEY JUNIOR. I live in a single room this year which is amazing. I made an amazing best friend at the end of Freshman year who is my ride or die girl now. Her name is Aaliyah and I could not ask for a more wonderful person to walk with me through life. This semester, I have really had some major ups and downs. I do not want to go into serious details, but I was assaulted by a close friend of mine. It really made me realize who my true friends are and how situations change people. I have gotten myself back into counseling because I need that 'outsider looking in' perspective. I know I have my friends and family, but sometimes they can seem bias. I genuinely hope that things will look up.
Here lately, I have really become accustomed to the feeling of loneliness. Quite frankly, it sucks. I do not want to think of marriage anytime soon, but it would be nice to have a boyfriend. Hell, I haven't had a boyfriend since I was a Freshman in HIGH SCHOOL. This is fine, but seeing everyone else with someone to hold really gets tiring when you are alone. I'm sure anybody can relate to that. Here lately, every guy I meet either isn't as interested in me as I am in them, or vice versa. This one guy is really interested in me but I cannot even force myself to like him. It just isn't going to happen. Poor guy... Then the one guy I can really see myself in a relationship with gave me the, "You're really nice and fun to spend time with, I just don't want to date you...." speech. Okay, cool.

It is what it is sometimes...
Currently rolling with the punches.
I promise that I will post more soon. No more three-year-long breaks.

L M Butler

It's a promise

Spring time

When the day that I die comes, I will be able to have said that I tried. I tried to make something of myself in life. I tried to be a good person. I tried not to hold grudges. I tried to be happy as much as possible. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt to anyone. Everything. I will be able to say that I have left no stone unturned. I am quite proud of that.

Here lately, just like in my last post, Murphy's Law is being one hell of a butt kicker. It never fails that when something good happens, something bad follows it. I mean, I got kidney stones for the ninth or tenth (I lost track) time, I wrecked my vehicle, I lost a few good friends, drama at school is being a pain, my grades were slipping, I have no date for prom, the guy that I really liked flat out stopped talking to me... The list goes on. It is complete bullshit. I try so hard to make every day a good day and try my best to be happy, despite the circumstances, but it is getting extremely difficult to always smile. Now, by nature, I smile and laugh a lot. That is just who I am as a person and I have no shame about it. On the other hand, I put up with a lot of shit from day to day. I am getting worn thin and I need a break from reality.

Thank God spring break is here. I had my wisdom teeth taken out on Thursday, so I actually got an extra day. Not for the best reason, but I will take it. The surgery went well and I am recovering just fine. Only problem is, the medicine I am taking is making me throw up everything I attempt to eat. So, lose/lose situation. Pain medicines are not able to stay in my system long enough to work and I cannot keep food down. Hah, oh well. I will live.

The last weekend of my break, I am supposed to visit ODU for their open house. I was really looking forward to it, but my mom keeps changing her mind. One minute we are going, the next we are not. I could get into a long story about how badly I want to go and all, but I will save the time. I mentioned it to my dad and asked him if he would take me instead. His response, "Well, you're not going to college anyway so I don't know why you want to bother..." Thanks dad, for having faith in me. I have the grades to go, but we have absolutely zero funds. My dad thinks I am blowing smoke up my own ass by dreaming about college and furthering my education. Sorry dad. What do you want me to say? I am just trying to ignore him. I know I can do this for myself one way or another. My parents bitch and complain like they are the ones paying for college. Well, they are not. So, no matter where I go, I will be paying for it once I graduate. If they don't want to or cannot help me, that is completely fine. However, do not sit there and complain about a problem that does not relate to you.

My parents put me down almost everyday about everything. There is nothing I can do that ever pleases them. Hell, I told my dad that I took my SAT and did very well on it. His response, "Well, aren't you a little smartass..." Like, really?! That's what you have to say to your daughter? All I can do is shake my head and move on. My parents really do not realize how often they make me feel like a worthless piece of shit. Their constant complaining about everything gets old. I am only almost 17 years old. The last thing I need is your bullshit excuse for "constructive criticism" and lack of support. From now on, I really do not care about what they have to tell me about my future. They act like they do not want to be in it anyway...

Prom is in about four weeks. I am excited but I am not. It has turned into something that is more stressful than not. The "group" I was going with has excluded me. Then, I was invited into another group, but they are having organizational issues. There are several expenses that I probably should not blow money on right now for Prom... I am almost at the "fuck it" point. I have a dress and shoes, but that is it. No date, dinner plans, etc. Yes, I could do without those things and be appreciative for what I do have. However, that takes away from the fun about Prom. It is a time to splurge on things you do not do every day. Does not look like I will be participating though... Whatever. I will just go walking or something. The last thing I will want to do is be at home that night.

Body work

So, last weekend, I wrecked the mom mobile. I was headed up to Short Pump when it started to rain cats and dogs. My friend and I decided to turn back and head home. When we were on the way back, I hydroplaned into the back of an elderly couple and ruined the front end of my vehicle. The old man made me feel awful, calling me "impatient" and "inattentive." Whatever. Add those to the list of things I do wrong... Of course, my parents are not letting me hear the end of it. "That's another expense you have cost us." "You need to pay for court, driving school, damage... Everything." You know, the typical list. To make it worse, I had a "friend" of mine say to me, "Too bad it wasn't any worse and you got hurt... That would have been more interesting." Thanks a lot asshole...

On the up side to things, I am getting my Senior portraits done in May. I only have nine more weeks until I am a Senior. I am getting ready to apply for jobs. My grades have gone back up. The weather is getting warmer. I am still alive. Those are the good things about life right now...

I try so hard to be happy, but sometimes I just cannot hide it. I try my best to make my parents proud and to be a good friend to everyone. In the end, though, it never seems to be good enough for anyone. I am not a quitter, but this shit is ridiculous.

I promise, to myself and everyone around me, I will always be someone true to myself with an open heart and make something great of myself one day. I do not know how I will do it, but I will.

L M Butler

Just make a fist and let go

Pep rally line up
Lol little football

Honestly, "same shit, different day" is the story of my life right now. All of the days blend together and I can't seem to keep track of time very well. My time of good luck seems to be off and on. One day I'm having the time of my life and then a few days later, it all goes to crap. Whatever. I'm trying to make the best of it but it seems that I can't control much of what happens.
Homecoming was last weekend and it was amazing. It was a long, tough week, but I survived. Hahah. Spirit week went really well, even though there was an underground week going on too. Here's a picture from Senior Citizen/ Baby Day:

Harrison, an old man with dementia, and Drew, an old, cripple
These guys are the BEST <3

The dance was pretty good. As always though, a guy made me upset there. It never fails... On the flip side, the morning before the dance was amazing. The guy I really like came over for a couple hours after film and we just chilled. It's nice being around him. He's so hilarious. I really wish we could date, but I know it wouldn't probably last through football. I'd get too pissed that we wouldn't be able to see each other much. Maybe once the season ends we can give it a go... I hope.

My crown - TD tradition

School is going well but God forbid it not be crazy. Boswell's class is kicking my butt. I'm so ready for this 9 weeks to be over. NOW. Even though I have a B, it's barely there... Haha. God help me.
Friends and I aren't getting along well. I'm just sort of keeping to myself. I'm just so tired of drama, lies, rumors, and bullcrap. I don't need it pulling me down again. I've finally moved past it all and I don't want it to follow me. It seems like everybody that can find a fault with me right now is doing so. I'm so tired of being put down about the small things. Some people need to put themselves in check and stop worrying about what other people do wrong. I'm not perfect, never will be, and never claim to be.
I'm going to visit UVA in a couple weeks. I'm so excited. I hope I really like it, considering I want to go there SO bad. My guidance counselor asked why I want to apply for only really hard schools. I was like, "They're all difficult? I have a 4.2 GPA. I think I'm good..." Hahah, forreal though.
Back to the guy thing, I can't seem to get him off my mind. I never thought I would ever feel this way about him. Honestly, I didn't know if I would ever like him at all. It's really strange though. I haven't felt this way about someone since Zack, in the terms of how much and why. It's like, I acknowledge his faults and downfalls, but I still care about him and love being around him. However, I don't think it's a good thing. I know he and I wouldn't last any long than high school and I don't want another huge disappointment. On top of it, I don't think he feels the same way... Which makes it worse.
I've been so tense lately. Between school, after school, drama, orchestra, and everything else, I'm slammed. I'm so done with useless people. 


I can't wait to leave all of this behind. Home is where the heart is and my heart isn't here anymore. I'm ready for a change again.


L M Butler


PS,
FOLLOW ME on Twitter! (: @LMButlerrrr - it's a link.

Pot of gold

Spirit shirt I made to support Christian.
"SOLIS-SHEPPERSON"

I honestly believe that good things happen to people who channel good energy to them. I know that sounds like a hippie way of saying it, but that's the only way I can think of putting it for now. I've been in a great mood and have ignored all of the bad things going on in my life right now; and now all of a sudden a lot of things are getting better and going right. I have not been this happy in a long time.

My friends seem to be coming around. After the whole argument with beloved Shaql, I thought our friendship was completely over. As in never speaking ever again. Well, it seems that I was wrong. I finally got the chance to talk to him, and he was not as 'pissed off' as I thought he was. He is just been super super super busy, and I can understand that completely. I feel so much better about the whole situation now that he and I talked about everything. He is such a great friend and I love him to death. I do not know what I would do without him. In full honesty though, I would probably miss his smile and laugh the most. Hahah.

So, there's this guy... Hahaha. Typical starter for me, eh? Anyway, His name is Tevin. He is insanely hilarious and really sweet. He is a pretty great guy that I hope becomes a long term friend. I also got a letter from my best friend the other day. He says he is doing well but he is really struggling with being so isolated. I feel bad for him, but hell will be home soon. I can not wait to see him. 

"You're wearing #24 on you one way or another..."

Homecoming is coming up in three weeks. THREE weeks. That is it! I am going bananas. There is so much to do and nobody is helping me. Sometimes I wondering why I ran for SCA VP. All we have done so far though is figure out the themes for the Spirit Week days and the Homecoming Dance theme. However, we still have to get them approved by the administration and everything. The process is taking forever and I doubt this whole thing will go smoothly. I am so tired of having a shitty crappy HC Dance. I hope that we have better decorations this year. Wait, we WILL have better decorations this year because I am the one planning it. Duh. :)

School is going pretty good. Boswell's class is kicking my ass butt though. She is a demon lady, I swear. Hahaha. Surprisingly, AP US History is going really well. I enjoy the class and I am not doing too bad. Mr. Duncan is the best teacher ever. I take my SAT on December third, so wish me luck. I am a little nervous about it, but I think I will do pretty good. After I get my results, I am applying for college! YAY!

Also with school, I have All County Orchestra coming up as well. That is in two weeks. Then, in four weeks the entire Orchestra has our Fall concert. The Concert Orchestra is pretty good this year and we are playing some good music. I am really looking forward to it.

I take Behind The Wheel in two weeks to get my license. I am so excited. AND I get my braces off in five weeks. I am counting down the days, believe me. I will be so happy to get these little suckers off my teeth. The Orthodontist said they will look fantastic.

As I said before, it is like everything is going really great at the moment. I have some amazing friends and have left the bad ones behind. I get my license soon and my braces off very soon as well. To top it off, school is pretty great right now too. Need less to say, I am a very happy girl right now. It seems I have hit my Pot of Gold.

L M Butler

Mind made up

Wow, I feel like it's been forever since I've posted something. As always, I'm busy doing other things and I don't get a chance to log on to my computer. Oh well, whatever. Here's what's been up...
At the end of June I went to a Leadership Institute thingy-ma-jig. It's basically a three day camp where you learn how to become an even better leader. It was such a joke. The first and third day were a lot of fun, but the second day was awful. We had to sit from 9a. until 5p. listening to two stupid people talk about discrimination and core values. I just wanted to fall asleep. So, I put my shades on and closed my eyes. Hah. Terrible, I know. However, it was so boring that I wanted to beat my head on the floor. Thank God I had had my morning coffee. That bad - really. I kid you not.
I've started working again at the summer school program at Marguerite Christian again. This year it's second graders. They listen OK, but some have awful attitudes. Most of them can't even spell their name, and they are going into the third grade. That is just sad... Very sad. Dealing with kids that can not even write a complete sentence - and are supposed to be able to- is so very difficult. It is so stressful.
It has been raining like crazy here the past few days. My yard is flooded and several trees have fallen down. I love the rain, but not when it is trying to kill me. Ya know?
The other night, I went to River's Bend Grill with my mom. We had the cutest waiter ever. So was tall, handsome, had sexy facial hair, great built body - the works. Mom and I decided to play "The Waiter Game". It's where we try to guess how old the waiter is and see if they are material I would be interested in. Mother guessed 22 and I guessed 24. When I finally asked him his age, he said 27. He looked so much younger and I was really disappointed. Before I walked out, he turned around and I asked me how old I was. I asked him, "Well, how old do you think I am?" He said, "21?", in a 'please' tone. Hahah. You wish, man.
Here lately I have been on this sushi frenzy. That's all I've been eating for almost every meal. It's crazy. I'm not complaining though because doing so has caused me to lose 10 lbs. Hah. Which is quite awesome.
My friend Dale left for Basic Training yesterday. I wish him the best. I am going to miss him so much. I know he will be great. He's the best. Also, my "best friend" leaves in about a month and same goes for him. I hope they both do well and enjoy the lives ahead of them. Sadly, I don't know that I'll keep in touch with either of them.
The London 2012 trip has been cancelled. I'm so devastated. It sucks monkey nuts. Major monkey nuts. I was really looking forward to going on that amazing trip, but now it's ruined. Awesome... Just fucking fantastic.
I've decided that I'm going to do the early application for the University of Michigan. I am so so so so excited. I really hope that I get a scholarship for the Aerospace Engineering program or something. That would be amazing. However, if all else fails, I will apply for the University of Virginia. I would be content with that too. I would prefer to go to U of M though... I'm really looking forward to going to college, even though I sort of like high school. This coming year is going to be the greatest. All of the classes I'm taking are going to be pretty cool and all of the clubs I'm an officer in are going to be tons of fun.
My birthday is coming up and I have no idea what to do. I want a party, but everything I want is way too expensive. We just can't afford it. Honestly, even if I had one, I don't think many people would come. My friends are assholes sometimes.
Speaking of friends, my best friend Kelsey and I pretty much gave up on our friendship the other night. We have been best friends since the fifth grade. I love her to death and she's like a sister to me. We have always had each other's backs and always hang out. Sadly, we have kind of developed different ideas on totally opposite spectrums and it just doesn't meet in the middle anymore. Over the years, her and I both have grown up and grown out of old habits and styles. Our personalities haven't changed, but our mind sets have. We have seriously different goals and it just came down to the fact that we have grown out of each other. Get what I mean? Time just withered our friendship away. It upsets me a lot to not be friends with her anymore, just because we were so close. On the other hand, it's good to be moving on with my life and her moving on with hers.
I got to thinking the other day, and I noticed I have not really "dated" someone in a while. Yeeeaahhh, there is "best friend", but that's getting old and he is leaving anyway. A guy and I have been talking and we both are at the point of where we want to be referred to as an item. However, my mom doesn't like the idea - at all. All because of one thing. He's not white. My parents are not racist or anything, and I certainly am not. OK, yeah I make a joke here and there, but I don't discriminate against anyone because they are not white. Whatever. In the end, it's my decision.


This summer has been going pretty swell. All I need, is a trip.


L M Butler