Pot of gold

Spirit shirt I made to support Christian.
"SOLIS-SHEPPERSON"

I honestly believe that good things happen to people who channel good energy to them. I know that sounds like a hippie way of saying it, but that's the only way I can think of putting it for now. I've been in a great mood and have ignored all of the bad things going on in my life right now; and now all of a sudden a lot of things are getting better and going right. I have not been this happy in a long time.

My friends seem to be coming around. After the whole argument with beloved Shaql, I thought our friendship was completely over. As in never speaking ever again. Well, it seems that I was wrong. I finally got the chance to talk to him, and he was not as 'pissed off' as I thought he was. He is just been super super super busy, and I can understand that completely. I feel so much better about the whole situation now that he and I talked about everything. He is such a great friend and I love him to death. I do not know what I would do without him. In full honesty though, I would probably miss his smile and laugh the most. Hahah.

So, there's this guy... Hahaha. Typical starter for me, eh? Anyway, His name is Tevin. He is insanely hilarious and really sweet. He is a pretty great guy that I hope becomes a long term friend. I also got a letter from my best friend the other day. He says he is doing well but he is really struggling with being so isolated. I feel bad for him, but hell will be home soon. I can not wait to see him. 

"You're wearing #24 on you one way or another..."

Homecoming is coming up in three weeks. THREE weeks. That is it! I am going bananas. There is so much to do and nobody is helping me. Sometimes I wondering why I ran for SCA VP. All we have done so far though is figure out the themes for the Spirit Week days and the Homecoming Dance theme. However, we still have to get them approved by the administration and everything. The process is taking forever and I doubt this whole thing will go smoothly. I am so tired of having a shitty crappy HC Dance. I hope that we have better decorations this year. Wait, we WILL have better decorations this year because I am the one planning it. Duh. :)

School is going pretty good. Boswell's class is kicking my ass butt though. She is a demon lady, I swear. Hahaha. Surprisingly, AP US History is going really well. I enjoy the class and I am not doing too bad. Mr. Duncan is the best teacher ever. I take my SAT on December third, so wish me luck. I am a little nervous about it, but I think I will do pretty good. After I get my results, I am applying for college! YAY!

Also with school, I have All County Orchestra coming up as well. That is in two weeks. Then, in four weeks the entire Orchestra has our Fall concert. The Concert Orchestra is pretty good this year and we are playing some good music. I am really looking forward to it.

I take Behind The Wheel in two weeks to get my license. I am so excited. AND I get my braces off in five weeks. I am counting down the days, believe me. I will be so happy to get these little suckers off my teeth. The Orthodontist said they will look fantastic.

As I said before, it is like everything is going really great at the moment. I have some amazing friends and have left the bad ones behind. I get my license soon and my braces off very soon as well. To top it off, school is pretty great right now too. Need less to say, I am a very happy girl right now. It seems I have hit my Pot of Gold.

L M Butler

The basic bitchez wear that shit, so I don't even bother

My new friend

This summer is already almost over. Two weeks from tomorrow and it is back to the old grind. I'm excited but I'm not. I still have to finish my summer assignments and all that hubbub. I wish that I had done more this summer, but whatever.
Speaking of things I've done this summer, at one point my mom, aunt, cousin, and I all went to the Natural Bridge Zoo. We had a blast. My mom wanted to go mainly to pet a baby tiger and get a picture of her and I holding it. There were two baby cubs the time we went. One was a bengal tiger named Apollo and a white bengal tiger name Zeus. We ended up being able to hold Zeus and take our picture with him. He was a heavy little thing. Haha. We also visited the drive-thru zoo that was near Natural Bridge. That was hilarious. All of the animals were sticking their heads in the car and spitting food everywhere. My mother got her little food bucket taken away by one of the camels. It scared the crap out of her. Hah. It wasn't exactly my idea of a vacation but it was something to do. I ended up making friends with one of the giraffes.
So, the guy that I was talking to and really liked has almost completely stopped talking to me. Now that football season has started, he barely has time to even text me. I also really pissed him off the last time we hung out, so I'm thinking that maybe that also has something to do with it. Even though that mess was almost three weeks ago. Really? Get over what I said and move on. I sincerely apologized and I would take it back if I could. Whatever... Guys seem to always end up disliking me for whatever reason possible. I always fuck screw up good things before I get to enjoy them. I have terrible guilt, so I feel really bad. I just miss talking to him, ya know? I hope that he starts talking to me again at least once school starts. However, I don't want to end up dating a guy who doesn't have time for a girlfriend. Been there, dealt with that bullshit; NEVER again. I may not deserve the best, but I deserve better than that.
My best friend left about a week ago for the Navy. He came over the day before he left to say goodbye. I wasn't expecting him to, but I was really excited to see him one last time. It meant a lot that he took time from his busy schedule to spend a fews hours with me. He and I no longer have that awkward tension between us of the, "Are we friends? Or more than friends?" thing. I love him to death, but as nothing more than a friend. And I think he finally realizes that. I'm so surprised that our friendship wasn't ruined by everything that has happened over the past two years. I don't think I could have survived these past two without him there sometimes. Then again, he was a big problem himself. Oh well, he's gone now. I probably won't see him much, if at all, for the next eight years. So, farewell. <3
So, I was going to try out for volleyball but... Yeah. I went the first day and tore my quad muscle. Yep, I'm a clutz. What can I say? I was only able to go the one day, so obviously I didn't make the team. I think it would have been too much anyway. With holding two offices, three clubs, Rock4Life, AP classes, and only one "easy-breezy" class this year, I would have gone crazy. Like a friend of mine pointed out, it would have overloaded me and I would fail at everything because I would be doing too much. So, I guess it was a blessing in disguise? Hah. At least that's how I am having to look at it. 
Not much else is really happening for me right now. I've been at home mostly, trying to get all of my crap straight for school and just my life in general. I'm trying to figure out everything I need so that I can apply for college here soon and get that mess going. I'm back to contemplating what major I'd like to study again. I'm interested in Aerospace Engineering, but I want to do something on a worldly scale. Something that I could do anywhere in the world, while learning about other cultures and lifestyles. I change my mind a lot, I know. I just get bored with the same thing over and over.


"Life moves fast. Sometimes you have to step back and take a look or else you'll miss it."


L M Butler

Time flies when you're having fun

Little Terrell

I feel like it has been forever since I've posted. Geez. I could've sworn it was June yesterday. Anywho...
So, today was the last day of teaching summer school at MCES. After about the second week or so, some of the kids stopped coming. This one kid, Josh, was obnoxious as shit crap. When he didn't come for the last week, I was so excited. I hate to say it, but I am glad I never have to see that child again. Most of the kids were really adorable. There was one kid named Terrell and he was the cutest little thing ever. He was barely over three feet tall and the most polite child ever. Some of the kids, I will actually miss.
So, this past weekend I went to a Weezy concert. It was AMAZING! Probably the best concert I have ever been to. I'll make an entire post about it in a few minutes.
So, this guy and I are really hitting it off. He is so sweet. I miss having a relationship with somebody that's more than a friendship. I just wish people were not so harsh about this guy and I dating. He sort of has a bad reputation with girls. However, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I just really hope I don't get labeled as a whore for dating this guy. We shall see...
"Best friend" leaves in a little less than two weeks. He and I have barely talked since school let out. I'm not necessarily surprised considering we've grown apart, but I am a little disappointed. He seems to be full of broken promises, yet again. Whatever. I refuse to let him get me down. I'm to the point of where I am above that.
I must say, the past two weeks of my Summer have been the best. I've gotten along with my family great, I have a boyfriend that isn't a dick, teaching went well, I went to the best concert ever, and so much more. It feels great to be happy. It really does.
So, the coolest thing happened the other day. I found my elementary school best friend on Facebook. It made my day. I haven't talked to him in almost 9 years, but we picked up a conversation like it was just yesterday in third grade. I absolutely love catching up with old friends. I can't wait to have lunch with him one day soon and get up to date on everything in our lives.
School starts in almost a month. I'm freaking out. I can't wait for this year to start. Only thing is, I have volleyball tryouts in a week and I'm not ready in the least bit. It's going to kick my ass butt. The classes I'm taking this year are simply awesome. I am mostly looking forward to my Hon. Forensic Chemistry, Hon. Physics, and AP History classes. Even though they will be a lot of work, I still am excited about the whole shabang. I also can't believe I'm going to be SCA Vice President this year. Planning Homecoming is going to be a blast. I just hope I can get the perfect HC dress to go.
My birthday is in 33 days! I'm super hype. I was originally going to have a party, but I can't now that we don't have very sufficient funds. Oh well... I'll get over it. I am really curious to see if a certain someone wishes me a "happy birthday" considering all the crap that has happened in the past year. If I don't I will not be surprised. The guy acts like he doesn't want me in life life, period. If he doesn't, fine. Have it your way, dude. I am done fighting an ever-losing battle with you.


"If I never see you again, it's your problem. I've made the effort. Now it's your turn."


Ohh, and CLICK on the title. It'll take you to a really cute video. (:

Here are some photos from the school:

From left to right -
Le'Roger, Kamahn, Ernest, Tzion, Jaila, me
Efrain,Naahjae, Jakobe, Terrell, Hunter, Chris
<3

Chris <3

Jakobe <3

L M Butler

Pickups and letdowns

Best overall

Phew. This month is kicking my butt. I've got too much to do. Haha. At least I'm not bored to tears.
Busch Gardens was this past weekend! It was so much fun. I stayed with Michael, Amanda, Shannon, and Brandon the whole day. We did awesome at festival even though Mr. Johnston couldn't figure out how to get off stage and forgot which song we were on. Hah! But both orchestras got first place in their division and over all best orchestra in the competition.
Prom is next weekend and I'm really looking forward to it. My dress is so pretty and my date, Brandon, is the best. He's such a sweetheart. I'm so excited to get to chill with him for two weekends in a row. I'm waiting to see how this gym will look... Mrs. Zoller says it's going to be pretty cool, but we'll see.
Graduation is almost here. I'm so sad about it. So many of my friends are leaving and I don't want them to. Although it's a little funny how "best friend" is getting mad that I'm becoming good friends with Dale and saying that I'll miss him a lot. Jealous much? Possibly. I'll miss them both, but not as much as someone who already left.
I took my Chemistry SOL today. It was so easy. I don't know why I freaked out over it. Now I have my math one next week. I'm just hoping to pass that one. Haha.
Color Guard tryouts are next week. I'm nervous. A lot of people keep telling me the girls are bitchy as hell, but I'll form my own opinion on that one. I know there's one girl I don't particularly like, but oh well.
Otherwise, I'm really getting tired of guys letting me down. Ya know? It really sucks. I really hate the "I like you a lot, but nothing is going to happen between us unless it benefits me." line. Prick. I'm so close to slapping the hell out of that dude that it's not even funny. Whatever though. I haven't dated someone in almost a year and so I don't think I'll date anyone until college. I guess I really shouldn't care, eh? My friend said, "Just give it time..."


L M Butler

My curiosity will be the death of me someday

Summer is coming to an end and I'm glad.  I just need something to jam me back into reality.  This summer has been full of shenanigans and let-downs.  I get so irritated by friends "making plans" with me, then never showing or never calling back.  Not only am I stood up by men, but my best friends too.  I think it's time to search for a better crowd I can devote time to.  The kids that I work with are almost better "friends" than some of my close, personal friends.

My birthday is coming soon, so I guess that's something to hold my head up for. It's almost a little funny how my family complains about how much money we don't  have, yet cumulatively they spend over $1,000 on me.  Yes, I'm a spoiled, only child.

Also, I'm so wrapped up in thinking about this whole "breakup love drama - story of my life" thing, that it's actually taking the personality and determination away from me.  I feel pathetic about the subject, although I can't control my emotions and heart but so much.  I understand the factor of moving on and finding somebody better and what-not, but it's easier said than done in my personal opinion.  I'd say I'm about 67% there, with the "get over it" topic.  I miss my best friend in him most of all though... He was the only person who ever made me laugh like he did, smile like he made me smile, live like he showed me to live.  As the rap star, Nelly, said, "I opened my eyes, it was just a dream.  So I traveled back, down that road.  Would he come back? No one knows."  In the long run, as Zack had said, it was probably for the best.  But, I wish it didn't end like this.  I miss talking to him, he is one of the greatest people I've ever met. He left for college on the 19th, and it was just another day for me.  Nothing has changed.

A good friend of mine said to me, "Darling, you were happy with being unhappy, and that's not healthy."  Although I'm still waiting for the day when I look at my phone, and see New Text Message: Zackypo.  I doubt I'll ever hear from him if I don't text him first, but that should say something.  According to most of anyone around me, they all think he's not worth my love, time, dedication, or just me in general.  To me, he's worth more than I or the world could give.

I'm trying to be happy without him, and I know I can be.  I really need to get a grip, slap myself a couple times, and get-over-it.  To me though, it's like anything you get used to and caught up in.  For me, finding the drive not to love him, is like a loved one dying.  You have to get up the momentum to accept the passing, and I have a long way to go.

I let myself fall into a lie,
I let myself smile and feel alive,
I let my walls come down,
No matter how I try, I don't know why,
You push so far away.

"With This Knife" by, Smile Empty Soul 

L M Butler

A real wake up call

Sadly but surely, I miss the kids that I was "teaching".  They might have been a handful at times, although they were amusing and had "spirits", as 'C' had called it.  Some of these kids were unique for their own reasons, and some had a life story worth writing a book on.  There was this one boy who was 12 years old, who grew up in the heart of downtown Dallas. He came from the lower-middle-class and knew a life of drugs and crime.  He and I talked often and we became good buddies.  I asked him one day, "What's the most memorable thing you've ever been through?"

He replied, "Surviving a drive-by in Dallas.  My friend, who was with me, didn't though, he got shot."

It's a real wake up call when a child this young, tells you something like this.  I couldn't help but feel bad for the boy.  He was so sweet and so smart, although he was traumatized from a young age.  He said to me, "I tried to help my uncle get clean, me and my friend did.  But he said that he didn't want to, that stealing and using was easy for him.  That's all he wanted to do.  My family made me move here, from Texas.  They didn't want me to get hurt..."

This boy didn't choose this life for himself, his situation did.  I wish I could give him a better life, but I know I can't.   I feel helpless, although he does too.  I feel like it's people like myself who are too wrapped up in their own problems and own life, to help somebody else like this boy.  But this needs to change.  I'm trying my hardest, giving my 110%, to get over everything so I can make a difference.  I'm tired of just seeing change, I want to be the change.  I don't want to see things happen, I want to make them happen.

On another note, in my own battle with myself, I'm still confused.  I miss Zack, but then again, I think of the Pro's and Con's.  It seems that no matter what, I can only find the positive in him, despite the faults.  I wish I could see him one last time before Longwood, but it kills me to know that I won't.  He's leaving, he doesn't want to talk to me or see me, and I refuse to settle for that.  I'll never see him again once he leaves, and I'm not quite at the point of acceptance.  Although if I keep myself worried about him and when I'll speak to him next, I'll never get to do things I dream of.  He was my dream, but some dreams, need time.  It's time, now, that I focus on other dreams.

And I just can't keep living this way

So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage

I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons

I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground

I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now!

"Not Afraid" - Eminem

L M Butler

Another day, another wish, more added hope

I have to admit, no matter where I go that I find amazing, there's no place like home. On Friday, I went to Luray Cavern's with my dad and mom and it was beautiful.  The mountains have always been a favorite place of mine to be ever since I was a child, and a scenic route to Luray was breath-taking.  We drove all though the Shenandoah Valley and Blue Ridge Mountains.  Being the tourist I am, I convinced my father to stop and take pictures and go into some shops along the way.  I picked myself up a pair of navy blue Shenandoah National Park sweat pants. They're very comfortable.  

The whole ride I thought about Zachary, though.  It breaks my heart to think of him dating anyone else but me, much less him "doing the deed" with someone else.  I know that I need to let go, move on, and let it be.  Although my heart won't let me; I fell in love with him so deeply, that now it hurts.  Everything I see reminds me of him, and I can't help it.  I'm in love with him, end of story.  Many of my friends feel that I deserve better than him, and sometimes I think the same thing.  But I'd rather have the man I want, personally.  Like my father said, "If he's worth a damn, he'll come back."  And honestly, deep down, I believe that Zack will be back.  Maybe not anytime soon, but maybe a while down the road.  At least that's what I hope.

On the other hand, I'm trying my best to move on and get on with my life.  Making the best of every day that comes around and trying to keep myself occupied.  Although, it's a little sad when a nursery rhyme can describe exactly how I feel. 

You Are My Sunshine, My only sunshine.  You make me happy, When skies are gray.  You'll never know, dear, How much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away.
The other night, dear, As I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms.  When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, And I hung my head and cried.  

I'll always love you, And make you happy.  If you will only say the same.  But if you leave me, To love another, You'll regret it all some day; 

You told me once, dear, You really loved me, And no one else could come between.  But now you've left me, And love another.  You have shattered all my dreams.

L M Butler

A little note happy, are we?

When Zack and I first started dating, we talked almost nonstop.  Then one day, I told Zack I wanted to know what happens in his Physics class.  So he said to me "I'll write you a note babe."  From then on, I wrote him a note every single day.  I promised him, before we broke up, that even when he is in college, I would still write him notes daily.  And up until June 8, 2010, I wrote him a note everyday, full of love and thought.  The notes were about my day, what I'm doing in class, I would ask him how his day was, etc.  Although he only wrote me two notes.  :( bummer, but oh well, I still loved writing them.  Even though we're broken up now, I still find myself writing him notes.  Although the tone of them has changed, the time and love I put into them has not.  People are probably tired of hearing this, but I miss him a lot.  I almost didn't realize how much he really did mean to me until we broke up. :/
Life lesson learned: don't take things for granted, they're more valuable then they seem.

L M Butler