Let's catch up.

Well, this is awkward. I let myself take a break from blogging to focus on other things, and that break turned into 3 years... I apologize to everyone. In a nutshell, here's the past three years....

High School - Junior year ending:

Went decent. Lost some friends. Kept some friends. Honestly, at this point, it's all a blur. So, obviously it wasn't but so important.

High School - Senior year:

WOOT! Finally graduated. Class of 2013. Applied for Old Dominion University as my only choice. Got in. Worked like a dog at my least favorite restaurant. Got close to a guy in band. Long story short, he was a total pot head who used me as a source of comfort while we were seniors. Once we graduated, he became old news and got into deeper situations with drugs. I'm glad I grew out of that phase.

ODU - Freshman year:

Came in as a mechanical engineering major. That got old REALLY quick. Changed my major 3 times. Mechanical Engn to Computer Science to Political Science. Yeah, I know, BIG jump. However, now that I'm in political science, I am absolutely in love. I'm pursuing a minor in International Studies as well, so that should be riveting. I changed roommates twice this year. My first roommate turned from a wonderful girl to a psychotic bitch within two months. I had to move or, in all honesty, I probably would have killed her. She was absolutely awful to me. My second roommate was one of my good friends from high school. Her and I became very close, but definitely had our struggles once we began living together. After everything, I love her like my sister and I hope we remain friends for the rest of our lives. She ended up leaving ODU for a nursing program back home, so everything worked out in the end for both of us.
Met a sweet and wonderful guy. He helped me a lot when it came to my Computer Science major. Another long story short, I ripped his heart out. He was literally TOO nice. I like a man who can stand his ground with my outgoing and outspoken attitude. He just didn't make the cut.

ODU - Sophomore year:

Technically, I'm only spending one semester as a sophomore. I have too many credits after this semester so HEY JUNIOR. I live in a single room this year which is amazing. I made an amazing best friend at the end of Freshman year who is my ride or die girl now. Her name is Aaliyah and I could not ask for a more wonderful person to walk with me through life. This semester, I have really had some major ups and downs. I do not want to go into serious details, but I was assaulted by a close friend of mine. It really made me realize who my true friends are and how situations change people. I have gotten myself back into counseling because I need that 'outsider looking in' perspective. I know I have my friends and family, but sometimes they can seem bias. I genuinely hope that things will look up.
Here lately, I have really become accustomed to the feeling of loneliness. Quite frankly, it sucks. I do not want to think of marriage anytime soon, but it would be nice to have a boyfriend. Hell, I haven't had a boyfriend since I was a Freshman in HIGH SCHOOL. This is fine, but seeing everyone else with someone to hold really gets tiring when you are alone. I'm sure anybody can relate to that. Here lately, every guy I meet either isn't as interested in me as I am in them, or vice versa. This one guy is really interested in me but I cannot even force myself to like him. It just isn't going to happen. Poor guy... Then the one guy I can really see myself in a relationship with gave me the, "You're really nice and fun to spend time with, I just don't want to date you...." speech. Okay, cool.

It is what it is sometimes...
Currently rolling with the punches.
I promise that I will post more soon. No more three-year-long breaks.

L M Butler

It's almost over

me, Crystal, Jessica, Alexis, Asheil, Nia

My God this year is ending so quickly. It is crazy. I almost hate it, yet I love it at the same time. Bittersweet is not the term...
Graduation is in fifteen days. I am going to hate to see all of my closest friends leave. 90% of my friends reside in this year's senior class. I really hope I am able to keep in touch with and see a lot of them after everything is said and done. I had to write a paper about Graduation this week and I cried while writing it... I am seriously going to miss some really amazing people. An upside to this event is, I AM A SENIOR. I am too hype for my last year at Dale. I am really looking forward to going to ODU, too. I just hope my senior year goes as smooth as possible.
Speaking of Graduation, the orchestra has started to prepare the music for the ceremony. It just makes the day that much harder. Our bass section is losing Brandon and everyone is torn up about it. Even though most of us are leaving the orchestra after this year, we still hate to see him leave. We are so close, it is like family. We all mean a lot to each other and most of us are best friends. Graduation is going to be so rough this year. I know I will need to take a box of tissues or something...
I decided to go to Prom. It was pretty good. I had a great time. Minus some typical drama, it was all good. I went in a group with some good friends and a few people I did not know. We had dinner at Texas de Brazil and I almost pissed myself when I saw the bill. Four of us shared a ticket and the total was $305. FOR DINNER... I am totally not used to eating at a pish posh restaurant like that, but it was a good experience. Even without Cam as my date, I had a great time. I am almost happy he did not go because I would not have wanted to dance with just him all night.

The whole group
Girls - Alexis, Asheil, me, Nia, Jessica, Crystal
Guys - Jordan, Kuhreem

With the last few weeks of school winding down, I am desperately searching for a sumer job. I refuse to work somewhere fast food. Sorry, but I am above that mess. I would not mind working somewhere like a coffee shop or smoothie hut, though. Only because I venture to those often. I would really like to work in retail, but most places want you to be at least 18 years old... I am a year short. Ugh. Oh well, wish me luck with the job hunt.
Looks like I am running for an SCA office again this year. I really wanted to run for Senior Class President, but there are a lot of people running for that position. I am like, "Uhh.. No.. Nevermind.." So, I have settled on SCA President. Which is just a step up in office for me, but I know I will love it and get the job done.

The bass section
Kaitlyn, Amanda, Brandon, me, Rachel, Victoria

Back to the friends thing, the one guy that I really fell for is graduating. I hope we stay in touch for a long time, but I doubt it will last much longer than a few months after he leaves... I honestly do not think he realizes how much he means to me, but that is okay I guess. I am not going to tell him because I do not want to bother him with all that mess. He has enough to worry about with college, football, and everything else. If he is happy, I am happy. That is all there is to it. As for the other few guys I got close to this year, I will miss them as well. They are going off to college and doing their own thing as well. If they want to keep in touch, I am elated and more than willing. If they do not, I am not going to pressure it. I am not going to try and force a friendship that they are not willing to put an effort into. I just hope they know that they will always have a place in my heart.

What happens, happens. It is what it is.

There is really nothing major to complain about. School is almost over for this year. The weather is hot, but nice. I am feelings better all together. I just really hope this keeps up.

L M Butler

It's a promise

Spring time

When the day that I die comes, I will be able to have said that I tried. I tried to make something of myself in life. I tried to be a good person. I tried not to hold grudges. I tried to be happy as much as possible. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt to anyone. Everything. I will be able to say that I have left no stone unturned. I am quite proud of that.

Here lately, just like in my last post, Murphy's Law is being one hell of a butt kicker. It never fails that when something good happens, something bad follows it. I mean, I got kidney stones for the ninth or tenth (I lost track) time, I wrecked my vehicle, I lost a few good friends, drama at school is being a pain, my grades were slipping, I have no date for prom, the guy that I really liked flat out stopped talking to me... The list goes on. It is complete bullshit. I try so hard to make every day a good day and try my best to be happy, despite the circumstances, but it is getting extremely difficult to always smile. Now, by nature, I smile and laugh a lot. That is just who I am as a person and I have no shame about it. On the other hand, I put up with a lot of shit from day to day. I am getting worn thin and I need a break from reality.

Thank God spring break is here. I had my wisdom teeth taken out on Thursday, so I actually got an extra day. Not for the best reason, but I will take it. The surgery went well and I am recovering just fine. Only problem is, the medicine I am taking is making me throw up everything I attempt to eat. So, lose/lose situation. Pain medicines are not able to stay in my system long enough to work and I cannot keep food down. Hah, oh well. I will live.

The last weekend of my break, I am supposed to visit ODU for their open house. I was really looking forward to it, but my mom keeps changing her mind. One minute we are going, the next we are not. I could get into a long story about how badly I want to go and all, but I will save the time. I mentioned it to my dad and asked him if he would take me instead. His response, "Well, you're not going to college anyway so I don't know why you want to bother..." Thanks dad, for having faith in me. I have the grades to go, but we have absolutely zero funds. My dad thinks I am blowing smoke up my own ass by dreaming about college and furthering my education. Sorry dad. What do you want me to say? I am just trying to ignore him. I know I can do this for myself one way or another. My parents bitch and complain like they are the ones paying for college. Well, they are not. So, no matter where I go, I will be paying for it once I graduate. If they don't want to or cannot help me, that is completely fine. However, do not sit there and complain about a problem that does not relate to you.

My parents put me down almost everyday about everything. There is nothing I can do that ever pleases them. Hell, I told my dad that I took my SAT and did very well on it. His response, "Well, aren't you a little smartass..." Like, really?! That's what you have to say to your daughter? All I can do is shake my head and move on. My parents really do not realize how often they make me feel like a worthless piece of shit. Their constant complaining about everything gets old. I am only almost 17 years old. The last thing I need is your bullshit excuse for "constructive criticism" and lack of support. From now on, I really do not care about what they have to tell me about my future. They act like they do not want to be in it anyway...

Prom is in about four weeks. I am excited but I am not. It has turned into something that is more stressful than not. The "group" I was going with has excluded me. Then, I was invited into another group, but they are having organizational issues. There are several expenses that I probably should not blow money on right now for Prom... I am almost at the "fuck it" point. I have a dress and shoes, but that is it. No date, dinner plans, etc. Yes, I could do without those things and be appreciative for what I do have. However, that takes away from the fun about Prom. It is a time to splurge on things you do not do every day. Does not look like I will be participating though... Whatever. I will just go walking or something. The last thing I will want to do is be at home that night.

Body work

So, last weekend, I wrecked the mom mobile. I was headed up to Short Pump when it started to rain cats and dogs. My friend and I decided to turn back and head home. When we were on the way back, I hydroplaned into the back of an elderly couple and ruined the front end of my vehicle. The old man made me feel awful, calling me "impatient" and "inattentive." Whatever. Add those to the list of things I do wrong... Of course, my parents are not letting me hear the end of it. "That's another expense you have cost us." "You need to pay for court, driving school, damage... Everything." You know, the typical list. To make it worse, I had a "friend" of mine say to me, "Too bad it wasn't any worse and you got hurt... That would have been more interesting." Thanks a lot asshole...

On the up side to things, I am getting my Senior portraits done in May. I only have nine more weeks until I am a Senior. I am getting ready to apply for jobs. My grades have gone back up. The weather is getting warmer. I am still alive. Those are the good things about life right now...

I try so hard to be happy, but sometimes I just cannot hide it. I try my best to make my parents proud and to be a good friend to everyone. In the end, though, it never seems to be good enough for anyone. I am not a quitter, but this shit is ridiculous.

I promise, to myself and everyone around me, I will always be someone true to myself with an open heart and make something great of myself one day. I do not know how I will do it, but I will.

L M Butler

Just make a fist and let go

Pep rally line up
Lol little football

Honestly, "same shit, different day" is the story of my life right now. All of the days blend together and I can't seem to keep track of time very well. My time of good luck seems to be off and on. One day I'm having the time of my life and then a few days later, it all goes to crap. Whatever. I'm trying to make the best of it but it seems that I can't control much of what happens.
Homecoming was last weekend and it was amazing. It was a long, tough week, but I survived. Hahah. Spirit week went really well, even though there was an underground week going on too. Here's a picture from Senior Citizen/ Baby Day:

Harrison, an old man with dementia, and Drew, an old, cripple
These guys are the BEST <3

The dance was pretty good. As always though, a guy made me upset there. It never fails... On the flip side, the morning before the dance was amazing. The guy I really like came over for a couple hours after film and we just chilled. It's nice being around him. He's so hilarious. I really wish we could date, but I know it wouldn't probably last through football. I'd get too pissed that we wouldn't be able to see each other much. Maybe once the season ends we can give it a go... I hope.

My crown - TD tradition

School is going well but God forbid it not be crazy. Boswell's class is kicking my butt. I'm so ready for this 9 weeks to be over. NOW. Even though I have a B, it's barely there... Haha. God help me.
Friends and I aren't getting along well. I'm just sort of keeping to myself. I'm just so tired of drama, lies, rumors, and bullcrap. I don't need it pulling me down again. I've finally moved past it all and I don't want it to follow me. It seems like everybody that can find a fault with me right now is doing so. I'm so tired of being put down about the small things. Some people need to put themselves in check and stop worrying about what other people do wrong. I'm not perfect, never will be, and never claim to be.
I'm going to visit UVA in a couple weeks. I'm so excited. I hope I really like it, considering I want to go there SO bad. My guidance counselor asked why I want to apply for only really hard schools. I was like, "They're all difficult? I have a 4.2 GPA. I think I'm good..." Hahah, forreal though.
Back to the guy thing, I can't seem to get him off my mind. I never thought I would ever feel this way about him. Honestly, I didn't know if I would ever like him at all. It's really strange though. I haven't felt this way about someone since Zack, in the terms of how much and why. It's like, I acknowledge his faults and downfalls, but I still care about him and love being around him. However, I don't think it's a good thing. I know he and I wouldn't last any long than high school and I don't want another huge disappointment. On top of it, I don't think he feels the same way... Which makes it worse.
I've been so tense lately. Between school, after school, drama, orchestra, and everything else, I'm slammed. I'm so done with useless people. 


I can't wait to leave all of this behind. Home is where the heart is and my heart isn't here anymore. I'm ready for a change again.


L M Butler


PS,
FOLLOW ME on Twitter! (: @LMButlerrrr - it's a link.

Honesty is the best policy

School has started and we hit the ground running. I had three papers due, three quizzes, and two tests, ALREADY. It's week two people! Stupid AP and honors classes. It's not too bad I guess, I'm just lazy. Senioritis has set in like crazy. However, I also noticed that CCPS gave us more days off this year. Which is pretty awesome. We also have this stupid thing called "Enrichment Period" instead of Friday Focus. I actually like it, a lottttt. It gives me forty-five minutes to do the homework I didn't complete the night before. Haha, yes I'm so over the whole school thing.
It is getting chilly here in the VA. Fall is approaching and it feels great. I love the Fall season. I feel so bad for countries that don't have more than one or two seasons.
So, about that guy and I. Yeah, it's too far gone. Somebody started rumors and they got to him. He flipped bananas on me and now refuses to notice I exist. Hah, really? I hate it when people automatically believe rumors and don't let the other person defend themselves. No, you don't have to believe me, but you at least owe me the chance to explain my side. If he was any type of good friend, in my opinion, he would. If not, nothing lost, eh? I can't believe it is only two weeks into the school year and bitches are already starting drama, mostly Seniors at that. Really? Grow up, forreal.
So far Dale has lost the first two games of the football season. The whole team is really down about it. Next Friday is the first home game, so hopefully that will go better. It's against Petersburg, so I doubt it honestly... There's going to be a pep rally before the game, too. So maybe that will boost the guy's confidence and help them win. I'm excited to go see them play. I think it will be a good, possibly close game. And I get to see Demetrick too.
I'm really looking forward to December. I not only get my license, but I also get my braces off. I'm so excited. I also take my SAT on December 3rd. That I'm not too hype about. On the other hand, I'm excited to apply for college this coming May.
College is another story. I'm still applying for Univer. of Mich. and UVA, but not for Aerospace Engineering. I've decided that getting a degree in Mechanical Engineering with a focus on Aerospace would get me farther in the long run. Then again, at this point, I would rather just go study something random, like Psychology. Then again, I would shoot myself is I were a therapist. I have enough problems of my own, and I don't want to listen to other people's for a living. Harsh? A little, maybe. At least I'm honest.


L M Butler

Catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul

The rain is never ending, it seems. I love it. However, my yard doesn't seem to but so much. It's become a giant pond. Hah, oh well.

Anywho, I auditioned for Chamber yesterday and I felt like I could cry. It was awful. The SRO music is crazy. The one song I had down perfectly, but of course, when I went to the storage room to record it, I fucked screwed up everything possible. Seth came in the storage room with me to listen, and I just wanted to throw something at him. He was snickering. I'd love to see his punk self try it...

Speaking of orchestra, we've started preparing for the Rock4Life concert in May. I love playing that music. It's really funny to see the two freshman basses, Kaitlyn and Victoria, attempt some of it. Kaitlyn was like, "Oh Lord! How the hell am I supposed to play that!?" Hah, I love that class. If you have no clue as to what R4L is, click on the Facebook link to it on the right side bar. It's pretty awesome.

So, I love how I was talking to the "best friend" the other day, and I mentioned to him that I post about him in the 30 Day Challenge blog. He said, "Yeah, I heard. I haven't read it, but I know somebody who stalks your blog." This is flattering, yet sort of creepy. I can't think of anyone who would stalk my blog and speak to him. Now I'm curious. And, as we've already established, my curiosity will be the death of me someday.

So, it seems here lately it's been "let's harass Butler" month or something. No matter what I do, somebody has something to say about everything. Then they threaten me, thinking that I'll quiver in my boots. C'mon. Honestly, grow a pair, man. Their bark is bigger than their bite. I just ignore them and watch them nag. It's funny to me. But people are just so ignorant and don't quit. With a few of them, I think they just lack a heart and soul. Grow up, this isn't middle school anymore. My opinion is, if you only find fault with me, move the heck on. Get out of my life if that's all you're going to do. Stop with the Debbie Downer attitude and the nit-picking.

In other riveting news, I'm losing my voice again. I tend to misplace it a lot. (Did you catch that crappy pun?) I think it's because I've been screaming and yelling a lot, on top of being sick. And no, not screaming and yelling at people. With them. I get really into playing badminton; so I scream, yell, and jump a lot during the games. My friend Namri thinks it's the funniest thing in the world. What can I say, it's a fun game.

Click on the title. It'll take you to my latest addiction. Enjoy.

L M Butler

Pity the fool

Richmond
Photo credit to Jeanine

Today has been a rainy day here in the VA. We need it though. Everything has been so dry and fire prone. Personally, I adore the rain. It's so pretty. Especially in the city. 

So, I have some amazing news! The Thomas Dale Chamber and Concert orchestras both got straight ones at festival! Amazing right?! I was so excited. The soloists were amazing in Chamber and Concert was... Good too. Hah. We didn't expect all ones for Concert at all. Amanda was coughing and hacking through the entire thing and we somewhat messed up. The sight reading was awesome though. In the end, despite what we believe, we got Superior. It just doesn't get any better than that.

Speaking of Concert and Chamber, Chamber auditions are Wednesday. I've barely practiced and the music is crazy. I have to play my harmonic G and high D, E, and F in sixteenth notes. Ahhh, it's brutal. I'm looking forward to it though. I'd love to be in Chamber because I like music that's more difficult. Wish me luck.

Another thing for me to look forward to is that I get my permit tomorrow. Even though I've already been driving somewhat, tomorrow it will be legal. Although the stupid vehicle I get to drive will irritate the living hell out of me. I'm surprised it isn't dead by now. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers.

Among other things to look forward to are Arts In The Ally coming up on the 12th and 13th. I get to read the Night trilogy for history here soon, and the plans for the 2012 Olympics should be finalize as well. Get hype, brah.

So, my "best friend" brought to my attention the other day that he and I are losing touch with one another. Ever since that big fallout between us in the hall last year, it's been going down hill. I feel bad because I hate it when I vier away from friends. He and I have been through so much crap with each other that it's starting to make things worse. To be honest, I'm surprised we've stayed friends as long as we have.

On another note, I think Senioritis is setting in for me a year early. I've become so lazy and just bored with high school. Next year will be pretty awesome because I'm taking two AP classes and a Forensic Chemistry course. For right now though, it's so very slow. Words can not describe how much I can't wait to go off to UVA. I'll be damned durned if I don't get in.

Speaking of high school, drama just doesn't go away. It's all a "he said - she said" blah blah blah story. I love finding things out about myself through other people. It's quite amusing. My favorite is the, "Well, so and so said you said blah blah blah..." and "So I've heard you want to fight her..." Really?! I pity you people who believe mess like that. Why would I waste my time fighting anyone? I have no tolerance for things of that nature. And if I have anything to say about anyone, I'd rather say it to their face so that there's no confusion as to what was said. C'mon people, give it a rest.

The 30-Day-Challenge blog is smooth sailing, for those of you who're of interest. Some of the things in that blog are a little bit different than things I post on this one. One should check it out, eh? Click on the photo that says 30 Day Challenge under "Check it out!" on the right side of this page, and it'll take you there.

L M Butler

Can we say, muzzle?

 I've become quite a procrastinator here lately.  There's really nothing or anyone I can blame for that.  Except for maybe one... Two... Three people in particular, but I don't play the lets-point-fingers game anymore.  In other words, I'm back to pulling all-nighters and everything.  At least I'm trying to.  That just doesn't always work out.  Although that usually happens around January for me.  Oh well, beggars can't be choosers.  Enough said.
So, people need to learn to keep their mouths shut.  Is that really that difficult?  Geez.  It's like anything I seem to say spreads like wildfire.  Or if somebody "finds" something out about me, everyone knows before I do.  Honestly, I'm this close to the smack-a-hoe option, rather than to ignore it.  I tend to pick my battles carefully.  Indiscreet people are trifling.  There are very few people I trust anymore, and one of them is a little ironic.  Considering that he and I only talk occasionally.  I know he's a good guy at heart though, so he's pretty chill in my book.
I'm tired beyond belief right now and busy just (as I've said before) isn't the word.  I have this R4L fundraiser to get accomplished and on a smooth sail, rehearsals, meetings, my campaign, five novels to have read by Wednesday, other miscellaneous work to do.  It's just blah.  I'll be happy when February is over.  March should be pretty calm.  That's what I'm hoping for.
Time appears to be going by so very fast.  It's amazing how it does.  I meant to post once more before January was over, but I just didn't have the time.  Eh, I'll get over it.  Hah.
I can't wait for summer to get here.  I'm all antsy about it.  I'm just so excited for graduation to be over with this year and to rid myself of Thomas Dale Jail for a while.
Also, guess what.  Just guess who's back to being a buttface again.  C'mon.  Really?  I'm more annoyed than impressed, man.  I'm not too sure that the person understands that I only get more irritated the more they're wishy-washy.  I don't know why I bother.  Ohh, I know.  Because I have to see him every day.  Ugh, people.  They just flat out suck sometimes most of the time.  Can't live with'em, can't live without'em.  Well, one could live without them but I'd rather not be alone one-hundred percent of the time.


Lastly, click on the title and it'll take you to the forty-sixth coolest thing ever.  Just goes to show, the British are clever.  Just saying.


L M Butler

My curiosity will be the death of me someday

Summer is coming to an end and I'm glad.  I just need something to jam me back into reality.  This summer has been full of shenanigans and let-downs.  I get so irritated by friends "making plans" with me, then never showing or never calling back.  Not only am I stood up by men, but my best friends too.  I think it's time to search for a better crowd I can devote time to.  The kids that I work with are almost better "friends" than some of my close, personal friends.

My birthday is coming soon, so I guess that's something to hold my head up for. It's almost a little funny how my family complains about how much money we don't  have, yet cumulatively they spend over $1,000 on me.  Yes, I'm a spoiled, only child.

Also, I'm so wrapped up in thinking about this whole "breakup love drama - story of my life" thing, that it's actually taking the personality and determination away from me.  I feel pathetic about the subject, although I can't control my emotions and heart but so much.  I understand the factor of moving on and finding somebody better and what-not, but it's easier said than done in my personal opinion.  I'd say I'm about 67% there, with the "get over it" topic.  I miss my best friend in him most of all though... He was the only person who ever made me laugh like he did, smile like he made me smile, live like he showed me to live.  As the rap star, Nelly, said, "I opened my eyes, it was just a dream.  So I traveled back, down that road.  Would he come back? No one knows."  In the long run, as Zack had said, it was probably for the best.  But, I wish it didn't end like this.  I miss talking to him, he is one of the greatest people I've ever met. He left for college on the 19th, and it was just another day for me.  Nothing has changed.

A good friend of mine said to me, "Darling, you were happy with being unhappy, and that's not healthy."  Although I'm still waiting for the day when I look at my phone, and see New Text Message: Zackypo.  I doubt I'll ever hear from him if I don't text him first, but that should say something.  According to most of anyone around me, they all think he's not worth my love, time, dedication, or just me in general.  To me, he's worth more than I or the world could give.

I'm trying to be happy without him, and I know I can be.  I really need to get a grip, slap myself a couple times, and get-over-it.  To me though, it's like anything you get used to and caught up in.  For me, finding the drive not to love him, is like a loved one dying.  You have to get up the momentum to accept the passing, and I have a long way to go.

I let myself fall into a lie,
I let myself smile and feel alive,
I let my walls come down,
No matter how I try, I don't know why,
You push so far away.

"With This Knife" by, Smile Empty Soul 

L M Butler