It's a promise

Spring time

When the day that I die comes, I will be able to have said that I tried. I tried to make something of myself in life. I tried to be a good person. I tried not to hold grudges. I tried to be happy as much as possible. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt to anyone. Everything. I will be able to say that I have left no stone unturned. I am quite proud of that.

Here lately, just like in my last post, Murphy's Law is being one hell of a butt kicker. It never fails that when something good happens, something bad follows it. I mean, I got kidney stones for the ninth or tenth (I lost track) time, I wrecked my vehicle, I lost a few good friends, drama at school is being a pain, my grades were slipping, I have no date for prom, the guy that I really liked flat out stopped talking to me... The list goes on. It is complete bullshit. I try so hard to make every day a good day and try my best to be happy, despite the circumstances, but it is getting extremely difficult to always smile. Now, by nature, I smile and laugh a lot. That is just who I am as a person and I have no shame about it. On the other hand, I put up with a lot of shit from day to day. I am getting worn thin and I need a break from reality.

Thank God spring break is here. I had my wisdom teeth taken out on Thursday, so I actually got an extra day. Not for the best reason, but I will take it. The surgery went well and I am recovering just fine. Only problem is, the medicine I am taking is making me throw up everything I attempt to eat. So, lose/lose situation. Pain medicines are not able to stay in my system long enough to work and I cannot keep food down. Hah, oh well. I will live.

The last weekend of my break, I am supposed to visit ODU for their open house. I was really looking forward to it, but my mom keeps changing her mind. One minute we are going, the next we are not. I could get into a long story about how badly I want to go and all, but I will save the time. I mentioned it to my dad and asked him if he would take me instead. His response, "Well, you're not going to college anyway so I don't know why you want to bother..." Thanks dad, for having faith in me. I have the grades to go, but we have absolutely zero funds. My dad thinks I am blowing smoke up my own ass by dreaming about college and furthering my education. Sorry dad. What do you want me to say? I am just trying to ignore him. I know I can do this for myself one way or another. My parents bitch and complain like they are the ones paying for college. Well, they are not. So, no matter where I go, I will be paying for it once I graduate. If they don't want to or cannot help me, that is completely fine. However, do not sit there and complain about a problem that does not relate to you.

My parents put me down almost everyday about everything. There is nothing I can do that ever pleases them. Hell, I told my dad that I took my SAT and did very well on it. His response, "Well, aren't you a little smartass..." Like, really?! That's what you have to say to your daughter? All I can do is shake my head and move on. My parents really do not realize how often they make me feel like a worthless piece of shit. Their constant complaining about everything gets old. I am only almost 17 years old. The last thing I need is your bullshit excuse for "constructive criticism" and lack of support. From now on, I really do not care about what they have to tell me about my future. They act like they do not want to be in it anyway...

Prom is in about four weeks. I am excited but I am not. It has turned into something that is more stressful than not. The "group" I was going with has excluded me. Then, I was invited into another group, but they are having organizational issues. There are several expenses that I probably should not blow money on right now for Prom... I am almost at the "fuck it" point. I have a dress and shoes, but that is it. No date, dinner plans, etc. Yes, I could do without those things and be appreciative for what I do have. However, that takes away from the fun about Prom. It is a time to splurge on things you do not do every day. Does not look like I will be participating though... Whatever. I will just go walking or something. The last thing I will want to do is be at home that night.

Body work

So, last weekend, I wrecked the mom mobile. I was headed up to Short Pump when it started to rain cats and dogs. My friend and I decided to turn back and head home. When we were on the way back, I hydroplaned into the back of an elderly couple and ruined the front end of my vehicle. The old man made me feel awful, calling me "impatient" and "inattentive." Whatever. Add those to the list of things I do wrong... Of course, my parents are not letting me hear the end of it. "That's another expense you have cost us." "You need to pay for court, driving school, damage... Everything." You know, the typical list. To make it worse, I had a "friend" of mine say to me, "Too bad it wasn't any worse and you got hurt... That would have been more interesting." Thanks a lot asshole...

On the up side to things, I am getting my Senior portraits done in May. I only have nine more weeks until I am a Senior. I am getting ready to apply for jobs. My grades have gone back up. The weather is getting warmer. I am still alive. Those are the good things about life right now...

I try so hard to be happy, but sometimes I just cannot hide it. I try my best to make my parents proud and to be a good friend to everyone. In the end, though, it never seems to be good enough for anyone. I am not a quitter, but this shit is ridiculous.

I promise, to myself and everyone around me, I will always be someone true to myself with an open heart and make something great of myself one day. I do not know how I will do it, but I will.

L M Butler

Mind made up

Wow, I feel like it's been forever since I've posted something. As always, I'm busy doing other things and I don't get a chance to log on to my computer. Oh well, whatever. Here's what's been up...
At the end of June I went to a Leadership Institute thingy-ma-jig. It's basically a three day camp where you learn how to become an even better leader. It was such a joke. The first and third day were a lot of fun, but the second day was awful. We had to sit from 9a. until 5p. listening to two stupid people talk about discrimination and core values. I just wanted to fall asleep. So, I put my shades on and closed my eyes. Hah. Terrible, I know. However, it was so boring that I wanted to beat my head on the floor. Thank God I had had my morning coffee. That bad - really. I kid you not.
I've started working again at the summer school program at Marguerite Christian again. This year it's second graders. They listen OK, but some have awful attitudes. Most of them can't even spell their name, and they are going into the third grade. That is just sad... Very sad. Dealing with kids that can not even write a complete sentence - and are supposed to be able to- is so very difficult. It is so stressful.
It has been raining like crazy here the past few days. My yard is flooded and several trees have fallen down. I love the rain, but not when it is trying to kill me. Ya know?
The other night, I went to River's Bend Grill with my mom. We had the cutest waiter ever. So was tall, handsome, had sexy facial hair, great built body - the works. Mom and I decided to play "The Waiter Game". It's where we try to guess how old the waiter is and see if they are material I would be interested in. Mother guessed 22 and I guessed 24. When I finally asked him his age, he said 27. He looked so much younger and I was really disappointed. Before I walked out, he turned around and I asked me how old I was. I asked him, "Well, how old do you think I am?" He said, "21?", in a 'please' tone. Hahah. You wish, man.
Here lately I have been on this sushi frenzy. That's all I've been eating for almost every meal. It's crazy. I'm not complaining though because doing so has caused me to lose 10 lbs. Hah. Which is quite awesome.
My friend Dale left for Basic Training yesterday. I wish him the best. I am going to miss him so much. I know he will be great. He's the best. Also, my "best friend" leaves in about a month and same goes for him. I hope they both do well and enjoy the lives ahead of them. Sadly, I don't know that I'll keep in touch with either of them.
The London 2012 trip has been cancelled. I'm so devastated. It sucks monkey nuts. Major monkey nuts. I was really looking forward to going on that amazing trip, but now it's ruined. Awesome... Just fucking fantastic.
I've decided that I'm going to do the early application for the University of Michigan. I am so so so so excited. I really hope that I get a scholarship for the Aerospace Engineering program or something. That would be amazing. However, if all else fails, I will apply for the University of Virginia. I would be content with that too. I would prefer to go to U of M though... I'm really looking forward to going to college, even though I sort of like high school. This coming year is going to be the greatest. All of the classes I'm taking are going to be pretty cool and all of the clubs I'm an officer in are going to be tons of fun.
My birthday is coming up and I have no idea what to do. I want a party, but everything I want is way too expensive. We just can't afford it. Honestly, even if I had one, I don't think many people would come. My friends are assholes sometimes.
Speaking of friends, my best friend Kelsey and I pretty much gave up on our friendship the other night. We have been best friends since the fifth grade. I love her to death and she's like a sister to me. We have always had each other's backs and always hang out. Sadly, we have kind of developed different ideas on totally opposite spectrums and it just doesn't meet in the middle anymore. Over the years, her and I both have grown up and grown out of old habits and styles. Our personalities haven't changed, but our mind sets have. We have seriously different goals and it just came down to the fact that we have grown out of each other. Get what I mean? Time just withered our friendship away. It upsets me a lot to not be friends with her anymore, just because we were so close. On the other hand, it's good to be moving on with my life and her moving on with hers.
I got to thinking the other day, and I noticed I have not really "dated" someone in a while. Yeeeaahhh, there is "best friend", but that's getting old and he is leaving anyway. A guy and I have been talking and we both are at the point of where we want to be referred to as an item. However, my mom doesn't like the idea - at all. All because of one thing. He's not white. My parents are not racist or anything, and I certainly am not. OK, yeah I make a joke here and there, but I don't discriminate against anyone because they are not white. Whatever. In the end, it's my decision.


This summer has been going pretty swell. All I need, is a trip.


L M Butler

A real wake up call

Sadly but surely, I miss the kids that I was "teaching".  They might have been a handful at times, although they were amusing and had "spirits", as 'C' had called it.  Some of these kids were unique for their own reasons, and some had a life story worth writing a book on.  There was this one boy who was 12 years old, who grew up in the heart of downtown Dallas. He came from the lower-middle-class and knew a life of drugs and crime.  He and I talked often and we became good buddies.  I asked him one day, "What's the most memorable thing you've ever been through?"

He replied, "Surviving a drive-by in Dallas.  My friend, who was with me, didn't though, he got shot."

It's a real wake up call when a child this young, tells you something like this.  I couldn't help but feel bad for the boy.  He was so sweet and so smart, although he was traumatized from a young age.  He said to me, "I tried to help my uncle get clean, me and my friend did.  But he said that he didn't want to, that stealing and using was easy for him.  That's all he wanted to do.  My family made me move here, from Texas.  They didn't want me to get hurt..."

This boy didn't choose this life for himself, his situation did.  I wish I could give him a better life, but I know I can't.   I feel helpless, although he does too.  I feel like it's people like myself who are too wrapped up in their own problems and own life, to help somebody else like this boy.  But this needs to change.  I'm trying my hardest, giving my 110%, to get over everything so I can make a difference.  I'm tired of just seeing change, I want to be the change.  I don't want to see things happen, I want to make them happen.

On another note, in my own battle with myself, I'm still confused.  I miss Zack, but then again, I think of the Pro's and Con's.  It seems that no matter what, I can only find the positive in him, despite the faults.  I wish I could see him one last time before Longwood, but it kills me to know that I won't.  He's leaving, he doesn't want to talk to me or see me, and I refuse to settle for that.  I'll never see him again once he leaves, and I'm not quite at the point of acceptance.  Although if I keep myself worried about him and when I'll speak to him next, I'll never get to do things I dream of.  He was my dream, but some dreams, need time.  It's time, now, that I focus on other dreams.

And I just can't keep living this way

So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage

I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons

I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground

I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now!

"Not Afraid" - Eminem

L M Butler