Summer is coming to an end and I'm glad. I just need something to jam me back into reality. This summer has been full of shenanigans and let-downs. I get so irritated by friends "making plans" with me, then never showing or never calling back. Not only am I stood up by men, but my best friends too. I think it's time to search for a better crowd I can devote time to. The kids that I work with are almost better "friends" than some of my close, personal friends.
My birthday is coming soon, so I guess that's something to hold my head up for. It's almost a little funny how my family complains about how much money we don't have, yet cumulatively they spend over $1,000 on me. Yes, I'm a spoiled, only child.
Also, I'm so wrapped up in thinking about this whole "breakup love drama - story of my life" thing, that it's actually taking the personality and determination away from me. I feel pathetic about the subject, although I can't control my emotions and heart but so much. I understand the factor of moving on and finding somebody better and what-not, but it's easier said than done in my personal opinion. I'd say I'm about 67% there, with the "get over it" topic. I miss my best friend in him most of all though... He was the only person who ever made me laugh like he did, smile like he made me smile, live like he showed me to live. As the rap star, Nelly, said, "I opened my eyes, it was just a dream. So I traveled back, down that road. Would he come back? No one knows." In the long run, as Zack had said, it was probably for the best. But, I wish it didn't end like this. I miss talking to him, he is one of the greatest people I've ever met. He left for college on the 19th, and it was just another day for me. Nothing has changed.
A good friend of mine said to me, "Darling, you were happy with being unhappy, and that's not healthy." Although I'm still waiting for the day when I look at my phone, and see New Text Message: Zackypo. I doubt I'll ever hear from him if I don't text him first, but that should say something. According to most of anyone around me, they all think he's not worth my love, time, dedication, or just me in general. To me, he's worth more than I or the world could give.
I'm trying to be happy without him, and I know I can be. I really need to get a grip, slap myself a couple times, and get-over-it. To me though, it's like anything you get used to and caught up in. For me, finding the drive not to love him, is like a loved one dying. You have to get up the momentum to accept the passing, and I have a long way to go.
I let myself fall into a lie,
I let myself smile and feel alive,
I let my walls come down,
No matter how I try, I don't know why,
You push so far away.
I let myself smile and feel alive,
I let my walls come down,
No matter how I try, I don't know why,
You push so far away.
"With This Knife" by, Smile Empty Soul
1 comment:
Honestly, I think you're further along this path than what you might think - realizing where you are is half the battle if not more. Hugs!
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