It's a promise

Spring time

When the day that I die comes, I will be able to have said that I tried. I tried to make something of myself in life. I tried to be a good person. I tried not to hold grudges. I tried to be happy as much as possible. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt to anyone. Everything. I will be able to say that I have left no stone unturned. I am quite proud of that.

Here lately, just like in my last post, Murphy's Law is being one hell of a butt kicker. It never fails that when something good happens, something bad follows it. I mean, I got kidney stones for the ninth or tenth (I lost track) time, I wrecked my vehicle, I lost a few good friends, drama at school is being a pain, my grades were slipping, I have no date for prom, the guy that I really liked flat out stopped talking to me... The list goes on. It is complete bullshit. I try so hard to make every day a good day and try my best to be happy, despite the circumstances, but it is getting extremely difficult to always smile. Now, by nature, I smile and laugh a lot. That is just who I am as a person and I have no shame about it. On the other hand, I put up with a lot of shit from day to day. I am getting worn thin and I need a break from reality.

Thank God spring break is here. I had my wisdom teeth taken out on Thursday, so I actually got an extra day. Not for the best reason, but I will take it. The surgery went well and I am recovering just fine. Only problem is, the medicine I am taking is making me throw up everything I attempt to eat. So, lose/lose situation. Pain medicines are not able to stay in my system long enough to work and I cannot keep food down. Hah, oh well. I will live.

The last weekend of my break, I am supposed to visit ODU for their open house. I was really looking forward to it, but my mom keeps changing her mind. One minute we are going, the next we are not. I could get into a long story about how badly I want to go and all, but I will save the time. I mentioned it to my dad and asked him if he would take me instead. His response, "Well, you're not going to college anyway so I don't know why you want to bother..." Thanks dad, for having faith in me. I have the grades to go, but we have absolutely zero funds. My dad thinks I am blowing smoke up my own ass by dreaming about college and furthering my education. Sorry dad. What do you want me to say? I am just trying to ignore him. I know I can do this for myself one way or another. My parents bitch and complain like they are the ones paying for college. Well, they are not. So, no matter where I go, I will be paying for it once I graduate. If they don't want to or cannot help me, that is completely fine. However, do not sit there and complain about a problem that does not relate to you.

My parents put me down almost everyday about everything. There is nothing I can do that ever pleases them. Hell, I told my dad that I took my SAT and did very well on it. His response, "Well, aren't you a little smartass..." Like, really?! That's what you have to say to your daughter? All I can do is shake my head and move on. My parents really do not realize how often they make me feel like a worthless piece of shit. Their constant complaining about everything gets old. I am only almost 17 years old. The last thing I need is your bullshit excuse for "constructive criticism" and lack of support. From now on, I really do not care about what they have to tell me about my future. They act like they do not want to be in it anyway...

Prom is in about four weeks. I am excited but I am not. It has turned into something that is more stressful than not. The "group" I was going with has excluded me. Then, I was invited into another group, but they are having organizational issues. There are several expenses that I probably should not blow money on right now for Prom... I am almost at the "fuck it" point. I have a dress and shoes, but that is it. No date, dinner plans, etc. Yes, I could do without those things and be appreciative for what I do have. However, that takes away from the fun about Prom. It is a time to splurge on things you do not do every day. Does not look like I will be participating though... Whatever. I will just go walking or something. The last thing I will want to do is be at home that night.

Body work

So, last weekend, I wrecked the mom mobile. I was headed up to Short Pump when it started to rain cats and dogs. My friend and I decided to turn back and head home. When we were on the way back, I hydroplaned into the back of an elderly couple and ruined the front end of my vehicle. The old man made me feel awful, calling me "impatient" and "inattentive." Whatever. Add those to the list of things I do wrong... Of course, my parents are not letting me hear the end of it. "That's another expense you have cost us." "You need to pay for court, driving school, damage... Everything." You know, the typical list. To make it worse, I had a "friend" of mine say to me, "Too bad it wasn't any worse and you got hurt... That would have been more interesting." Thanks a lot asshole...

On the up side to things, I am getting my Senior portraits done in May. I only have nine more weeks until I am a Senior. I am getting ready to apply for jobs. My grades have gone back up. The weather is getting warmer. I am still alive. Those are the good things about life right now...

I try so hard to be happy, but sometimes I just cannot hide it. I try my best to make my parents proud and to be a good friend to everyone. In the end, though, it never seems to be good enough for anyone. I am not a quitter, but this shit is ridiculous.

I promise, to myself and everyone around me, I will always be someone true to myself with an open heart and make something great of myself one day. I do not know how I will do it, but I will.

L M Butler

It is what it is, I guess

My desk chair... More shit breaking...

I swear, more shit goes wrong in my life than good most of the time. One thing good happens, then forty bad things happen. Whether it is from simple to major things, it never fails. I'm so tired of Murphy's Law weighing down on me that I just want to cry and sleep.
There for a while, everything was great. I was happy, with my friends, everything was going right for a change. But here within the past month, everything has gone to shit again. Whether I am broke as a joke or something breaks, it all happens at once. There is really not a whole lot for me to look forward to. Fun things are about to happen, but I am forbidden from doing any of them because of various reasons.
My Senior year is coming up and it's bittersweet. I'm excited to leave, no doubt. However, I am not happy with my schedule at all. However, I am dropping my most hated class, so that is a plus. Also, my parents are fighting me about which college I am allowed to attend. I have changed my mind about UVA and I would rather go to ODU, Old Dominion University. It still has a great engineering program and it is less expensive. My parents want me to go to a community college, but I refuse. I am not dumb enough for those schools. They are for slackers and people who just are not smart enough for the "big, bad" universities. I am at the point to where my attitude is, "Fuck it." and move on. I am not going to argue with them. I am tired of hearing the same old lecture and getting yelled at over nothing. So, when I graduate, I will pack my bags, find a job, and get the hell out of my house. I am so over it.
Prom is coming up and it sounds like it is going to be pretty nice. I do not know if it can top last year's, but it sounds nice. I want to go but then again I have the same attitude about Prom as college at this point. People want to argue and I am tired of wasting my breath on an endless, losing battle. I have my dress and everything but no date, nowhere to get my hair done, no money to put into the rest of the things I need (jewelry, nails, hair, dinner, etc.). So, I just do not care.
It seems like I am returning back to my "IDGAF" attitude about a lot of things. It is probably for the best in some cases anyway. Forget it.
Do not get me wrong, things could be worse... I just do not want things to go wrong in the first place. It is too much at one time...


Shit happens.


L M Butler

The end is near

I feel like it's been forever since I've posted. Busy does not even describe my life anymore. I barely have time to breathe. Any time I get to relax, I sleep. I am just so exhausted with all of the work I have been doing. So, here's a bit of an update...


November:

Grayson

This was a great month. Busy, but great. I had a break over Thanksgiving and that was my time to relax. I hung out with the best guy ever and I really developed some serious feelings for him. We are not dating, but I wish we were.
Back around my moms birthday, my cat Samantha went outside and never came home. We ended up getting a new baby kitten name Grayson. It's not the same, but I'm adjusting.
The rest of this month is fuzzy to me.


December:

I was sick the entire month of December. It was miserable. I still somewhat had it leading into January too. I missed two exams because I could not function at all because of the medicine I was taking. I had a two week long break to recover from my sickness and relax.
I got to spend time with some amazing people and get to know this one guy a lot better. Slowly but surely, he's becoming a good friend of mine. A lot of things probably would have gone wrong had I not gotten to know him better when I did. Thanks a million Prevost. <3


January:

Welcome To My World
:)

Welcome 2012!


School wise, Busy busy busy busy busy. I have barely been able to catch my breath this month. With the end of the semester coming, teachers have piled tons of work on my head and it's making it miserable. Especially with missing school from being sick, it's just even more difficult to catch up.
Friend wise, it's been back and forth. There's a certain person that I became somewhat close to, but then they had one of their bipolar fits again. In other words, they are back to ignoring me and hating me because I would not give them what they wanted. The whole situation just annoys me... As for the guy I really became close to back in November, he and I are still friends. Now he has a "best friend", which it is completely obvious they are more than that. But, hey, whatever. We are not dating, so I shouldn't care. But he and I have been acting like this somewhat... Couple type figure. More than a friendship, less than a relationship. So, a flirtationship. He means the world to me, but it's obvious that the feeling is not mutual. It's disappointing from my end, but hey. Can't change what is. I just love spending time with him and he cheers me up, no matter what the situation is. He always makes me smile and laugh. His company makes me happy. Even though I never wanted to, I think I have fallen for this guy.
There have been a lot of friends gained and lost in the past year. Both amazing and horrible. I always hate losing friends over stupid matters, but it only makes me reconsider everything. I am, as I've said before, a firm believer that things happen for a reason. They always have and always will.
Graduation is getting closer and closer. All of the seniors are talking about beach week and going off to college. It will be so sad to see some of them leave, but I'm ready for this year to be over. I have a pretty good idea of who I will keep in touch with and who I will not. It's only about 15 people or so, but that's more than I expected. Once I go off to college, I probably will not talk to many people from my graduating class.
Prom is only 4 months away now! I'm excited. I got my dress back in August, so I don't have to bother with shopping for one. I am pretty much all set. Just, no date... ): Bummer. We shall see what happens as we get close to the actual evening itself.
I know it is only January, but I can't stop thinking about the summer. I just hope this summer lives up to last summer.
Here lately I have been going to the eye doctor a lot. I have high pressure on my eyes, and it is possible that I have an early onset of glaucoma. I have had some intense headaches too, which bring up the suspicion of another brain tumor. I go at the end of this month for more tests and an MRI. Hopefully there is no tumor or glaucoma. I pray there is nothing at all.


There is so much more I could write about, but it's all a blur. Hours feel like minutes, days feel like weeks. Weeks run together, time flies by. Hopefully I will have time to update before 3 months from now...


L M Butler

Just make a fist and let go

Pep rally line up
Lol little football

Honestly, "same shit, different day" is the story of my life right now. All of the days blend together and I can't seem to keep track of time very well. My time of good luck seems to be off and on. One day I'm having the time of my life and then a few days later, it all goes to crap. Whatever. I'm trying to make the best of it but it seems that I can't control much of what happens.
Homecoming was last weekend and it was amazing. It was a long, tough week, but I survived. Hahah. Spirit week went really well, even though there was an underground week going on too. Here's a picture from Senior Citizen/ Baby Day:

Harrison, an old man with dementia, and Drew, an old, cripple
These guys are the BEST <3

The dance was pretty good. As always though, a guy made me upset there. It never fails... On the flip side, the morning before the dance was amazing. The guy I really like came over for a couple hours after film and we just chilled. It's nice being around him. He's so hilarious. I really wish we could date, but I know it wouldn't probably last through football. I'd get too pissed that we wouldn't be able to see each other much. Maybe once the season ends we can give it a go... I hope.

My crown - TD tradition

School is going well but God forbid it not be crazy. Boswell's class is kicking my butt. I'm so ready for this 9 weeks to be over. NOW. Even though I have a B, it's barely there... Haha. God help me.
Friends and I aren't getting along well. I'm just sort of keeping to myself. I'm just so tired of drama, lies, rumors, and bullcrap. I don't need it pulling me down again. I've finally moved past it all and I don't want it to follow me. It seems like everybody that can find a fault with me right now is doing so. I'm so tired of being put down about the small things. Some people need to put themselves in check and stop worrying about what other people do wrong. I'm not perfect, never will be, and never claim to be.
I'm going to visit UVA in a couple weeks. I'm so excited. I hope I really like it, considering I want to go there SO bad. My guidance counselor asked why I want to apply for only really hard schools. I was like, "They're all difficult? I have a 4.2 GPA. I think I'm good..." Hahah, forreal though.
Back to the guy thing, I can't seem to get him off my mind. I never thought I would ever feel this way about him. Honestly, I didn't know if I would ever like him at all. It's really strange though. I haven't felt this way about someone since Zack, in the terms of how much and why. It's like, I acknowledge his faults and downfalls, but I still care about him and love being around him. However, I don't think it's a good thing. I know he and I wouldn't last any long than high school and I don't want another huge disappointment. On top of it, I don't think he feels the same way... Which makes it worse.
I've been so tense lately. Between school, after school, drama, orchestra, and everything else, I'm slammed. I'm so done with useless people. 


I can't wait to leave all of this behind. Home is where the heart is and my heart isn't here anymore. I'm ready for a change again.


L M Butler


PS,
FOLLOW ME on Twitter! (: @LMButlerrrr - it's a link.

Pot of gold

Spirit shirt I made to support Christian.
"SOLIS-SHEPPERSON"

I honestly believe that good things happen to people who channel good energy to them. I know that sounds like a hippie way of saying it, but that's the only way I can think of putting it for now. I've been in a great mood and have ignored all of the bad things going on in my life right now; and now all of a sudden a lot of things are getting better and going right. I have not been this happy in a long time.

My friends seem to be coming around. After the whole argument with beloved Shaql, I thought our friendship was completely over. As in never speaking ever again. Well, it seems that I was wrong. I finally got the chance to talk to him, and he was not as 'pissed off' as I thought he was. He is just been super super super busy, and I can understand that completely. I feel so much better about the whole situation now that he and I talked about everything. He is such a great friend and I love him to death. I do not know what I would do without him. In full honesty though, I would probably miss his smile and laugh the most. Hahah.

So, there's this guy... Hahaha. Typical starter for me, eh? Anyway, His name is Tevin. He is insanely hilarious and really sweet. He is a pretty great guy that I hope becomes a long term friend. I also got a letter from my best friend the other day. He says he is doing well but he is really struggling with being so isolated. I feel bad for him, but hell will be home soon. I can not wait to see him. 

"You're wearing #24 on you one way or another..."

Homecoming is coming up in three weeks. THREE weeks. That is it! I am going bananas. There is so much to do and nobody is helping me. Sometimes I wondering why I ran for SCA VP. All we have done so far though is figure out the themes for the Spirit Week days and the Homecoming Dance theme. However, we still have to get them approved by the administration and everything. The process is taking forever and I doubt this whole thing will go smoothly. I am so tired of having a shitty crappy HC Dance. I hope that we have better decorations this year. Wait, we WILL have better decorations this year because I am the one planning it. Duh. :)

School is going pretty good. Boswell's class is kicking my ass butt though. She is a demon lady, I swear. Hahaha. Surprisingly, AP US History is going really well. I enjoy the class and I am not doing too bad. Mr. Duncan is the best teacher ever. I take my SAT on December third, so wish me luck. I am a little nervous about it, but I think I will do pretty good. After I get my results, I am applying for college! YAY!

Also with school, I have All County Orchestra coming up as well. That is in two weeks. Then, in four weeks the entire Orchestra has our Fall concert. The Concert Orchestra is pretty good this year and we are playing some good music. I am really looking forward to it.

I take Behind The Wheel in two weeks to get my license. I am so excited. AND I get my braces off in five weeks. I am counting down the days, believe me. I will be so happy to get these little suckers off my teeth. The Orthodontist said they will look fantastic.

As I said before, it is like everything is going really great at the moment. I have some amazing friends and have left the bad ones behind. I get my license soon and my braces off very soon as well. To top it off, school is pretty great right now too. Need less to say, I am a very happy girl right now. It seems I have hit my Pot of Gold.

L M Butler