Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Snow Daze on Snow Days

Frozen lion
If watching the news is in your daily agenda, you have probably heard about the massive snow storm that hit the east coast. It was nothing to really write home about other than it got me out of class today. Yay for a lazy day! On the other hand, my university had facilities management going around campus with bobcat machines to clear the sidewalks. When did they do this? At 5:30 in the bloody morning. It was everything I could do not to scream out my window at them. Oh well... I went back to sleep anyway.
I am currently in the process of losing a best friend, I think. I have secured an apartment for next semester and she is not living with me. Ever since this was finalized, she has been acting like a petty little child. She will not admit to being upset, but it is blatantly obvious. Why else would she act like such an immature brat? We are not talking as much as we used to, and when we do, her responses are either one word or her infamous "yeaa" text... I am a little irritated, can you tell? And not only that, but she drinks all the time now. I genuinely did not realize that she was an alcoholic. I drink on occasion, but it is rare that I drink to the point of drunk. I guess I am just not as entertained by alcohol as she is. It probably does not help that her roommates are even worse. Worse meaning they drink twice as often. I am sorry, but I have no interest in drinking so often or being around a drunk that often. My plan is to simply avoid the behavior that I do not wish to partake in. I love her, but I do not know what the hell her problem is lately.
On another note, I almost got fired from my internship yesterday... Apparently, I have been given three warning about my "work attire" and am "subject to termination." I was not aware that I had been given that many warnings, but alright... I will certainly keep that in mind. I will wear the exact same outfit every single day since I obviously have pathetic taste in my professional wardrobe. It never ceases to amaze me that other people can get away with 'breaking the rules' and not get reprimanded for it. I am not childish enough to mention that to my supervisor, but I will certainly have a change of attitude in the office. No more being buddy-buddy with anyone. Strictly business - showing up and doing what I am asked to do and nothing more. No more talking about my weekend, having small conversation with everyone, or cracking jokes about a single thing. If I am so "unprofessional," I can really show you how "professional" I can be. When my supervisor or coworkers ask why I am acting so reserved, I will gladly explain that I am "only meeting what is acted of me by my supervisor and in my contract..." The email I received about my "third and final warning" was very insulting and made me feel horrible. So, in return, I will gladly act more professional. I have been insulted and degraded far too many times by multiple supervisors at multiple jobs for me to "shut up and take it." I genuinely do not care about what authority somebody has or who somebody might be in the social sphere, nobody insults me and makes me feel inferior. Much less does someone speak to me as if I am an ignorant child whom cannot think independently. 
I am not too sure why, but I am simply miserable here lately. No matter what I do, I am always unhappy. Even when I am extremely happy... For example, Brandon came to visit me and I could not be more ecstatic. I love him to the moon and back, and spending time with him always makes me happy. However, even though I am happy, I cannot help but think in the back of my mind about how much he genuinely does not like me. We have been talking for three full years now, and he is yet to actually commit to me... He says I am the "only girl he spends time with" and so on, but I think it is a load of bullshit. Bullshit. My thought process is, if I am the only girl you spend time with and like in 'that way," why can't you make the move and ask me to be your exclusive girlfriend?... The answer is - bullshit. I have told him time and again that I have very deep feelings for him and he accepts that. However, he is horrified by commitment. Absolutely horrified. His last girlfriend broke up with him after two long years, and got married not even a full month after the breakup. I know that situation made him feel miserable, but now he is taking it out on me by treating me like a convenient piece of ass. I can tell he likes me... But I have zero faith that he will ever want to commit to me and attempt a serious relationship with me... Again, I understand that "we are in college and are trying to get our lives together and secure a future," but for the love of God, stop acting like a fool. I do not know if I should just give up and move on, or wait it out and hope that maybe, one day, he will muster up the balls to commit. Part of me says wait on it, part of me says move the hell on and find somebody else... I have so many good memories with him and not many bad, but the bad consist of how miserable it makes me feel knowing that he does not want me to be his girlfriend. At the end of the day, I have answered my own question... He does not want me. 

All in all, I am so confused. By all three of these situations. One minute I am happy, the next I am miserable and crying my eyes out... Like, what the hell do I do?... I have noticed when things go to shit, I simply ignore them and run away. This has happened a couple times with Brandon, but not with my internship or my best friend... I have a feeling I will just run away from the situation with my friend and suck it up and deal with the internship... 

Like I said, I am an unhappy, happy, lonely, miserable, little person. I genuinely do not know why. 
I am the nicest and most horrible person you will ever meet at the same time... The only time I am horrible to someone is if they cross me or disrespect me...

L M Butler

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

My Apologies

Seriously, I'm slacking. Not just with my blog, but with most things in general. I have just gotten so busy that I can barely keep my mind in one piece.
I recently got an internship with a local politician and I am so absolutely excited. It is not the most exciting work, but I have the sweetest boss ever. I love my job at the CMC, too. However, I have picked up more tasks at that job and I work there a lot more. I still enjoy what I do, it is just a lot of work. Haha.
I AM ABOUT TO GET MY FIRST APARTMENT GUYS. I am so absolutely excited. I am finally getting my "big-girl" life. It is still an ODU on-campus housing thing, so I will not be moving out from home permanently just yet, but it's a good way to start. I actually just got it finalized today, so I am SUPER excited. The awesome thing is that I am living with two girls I have know for ten years, if not longer, and the third girl is a girlfriend of one of the others. I feel like I let my best friend down by not committing to taking a gamble by applying for the other apartments on campus. However, this just lucked out for me.
This whole weekend I had the flu and it's finally getting out of my system. It never fails, every time I'm almost over a cold or the flu, I cannot for the life of me stay out of the bathroom. It sucks. However, I am more than ready to be over this crap.
So I neglected to mention a serious topic that I have, again, neglected for quite a while now. I had an off and on "thing" with a guy for four full years, and it finally came to a screeching halt. It was a miserable end, but it definitely had a long time coming to it. We were never officially a couple, but I'll be damned if I did not have feelings for him. I tried to lie to him and myself saying that I didn't, but we both knew I was avoiding the truth. Long story short, we finally had our last disagreement in October and it ended with me spilling the complete four years worth the information to his girlfriend of four years. Yes, you read that right. Girlfriend. Four years. Cheated for four years. On her. With me. I feel like a complete fool for ever developing feelings for him and allowing myself to literally become a side-bitch. I know I deserve so much better and that is only becoming more apparent by the day now that he and I do not speak at all. We do not have any contact whatsoever and I am not complaining. I never realized how miserable I actually was and how much bullshit of his I put up with just to have him pretend that he liked me for the night or whatever. I find it amazing that I can help my friends through break-ups and throw the facts in their face that they are settling for a complete douche-bag. BUT, God-forbid the situation be the other way around. I cannot convince myself that I deserve better or anything. I honestly did not realize how unhappy he actually made me. I know I found like a complete moron if I say I'm going through a "breakup." However, I genuinely am going through a breakup with that part of my life. That was four years spent and wasted. On the other hand, I definitely learned a lesson from the whole thing. For example, it is a very weird feeling not having him around because he is all I ever focused on for four stupid years. Again, on the other hand, not having him to focus on has made life just that much easier for me.
Rude, I know, but I do not care. At all. I'm at a point in my life where if someone is not making me happy and they are more of a pain in my butt than not, g o o d b y e to you... Grab your memories of us, and I hope the door hits you in the ass on the way out. I have zero toleration for bullshit anymore. Even simple bullshit that I used to put up with just because I am a pushover has become minimal. I even tried to "help" the "main-bitch" girlfriend by telling her everything. I sat and talked to her for a solid six hours. She cried her damn eyes out, got into an argument with the (for lack of better terms) fuckboy excuse of a boyfriend, and of course he denied everything. It did not matter how much proof I had or stories I told, he bold-faced denied it all. I am pretty sure they broke up shortly after that, but I'm surprised it took as long as it did.
BUT GUESS WHAT... They are back together now! Yay! Happy couple! My response? "Well that was a waste of six hours of my time..." I hope I never see the girl again because I will either not be able to hold my tongue or I will laugh in her face like the disrespectful bitch that I am. I am a firm believer of the "once a cheater, always a cheater," and I do not give a damn who you are, the assumption stands. I have seen girls go back to the same cheating boyfriend time after time, and he always cheats again. I know "second chances - people can change," and I am all for that. However, if you cannot be honest with me from the start, our relationship will turn to complete crap at some point and I do not want to stick around to find out when that will be.

Alright, ranting over... For now... Hahaha

My apologies for neglecting my blog.
My apologies for not keeping posted on life matters.
My apologies to my best friend for not taking a risk when I had a guarantee in front of my face.
My apologies to the fuckboy I believed was a wonderful guy.
My apologies to the girlfriend who is so wrapped up in her fairy-tale bullshit to realize she deserves better.
My apologies for being too honest.
My apologies for being too blunt.

In the end, nobody can ever say that I did not stand for what I say and believe in, and nobody can ever say I did not refrain from saying what everyone was thinking but was not brave enough to say.

L M Butler

Monday, January 5, 2015

Internship ready

Oh thank you God for Winter break. I actually began break back on December 12th, but I have been neglecting my computer since I returned home. I refuse to be productive over breaks, but I usually do not remember to lack productivity.
I actually just received a phone call from the office of a Delegate in Virginia. I have scored an interview to possibly work for him this semester. I am EXTREMELY excited and could not be more energetic because of it. Only downfall is that I will be working two jobs this semester if I am offered the position, as well as taking 15 credit hours. I am sure I can handle it, but I really wanted to focus on getting back in the gym this semester.
Since I started college, I have gained 20 pounds. I am so disappointed and disgusted with myself that I even cry when clothes do not fit me as well as they used to. I hope that I will still be able to get in the gym more, but probably not as much as I planned. Oh well, better something than nothing I suppose. My goal is to lose 60 pounds by the end of 2015. Let's see how well I achieve that goal. I may start a weight loss blog and link it to this one so you can keep up with my progress if you are interested.

Wish me luck on my interview next week!

L M Butler

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Finals week fatigue

Current feeling
This semester, I decided it would be a brilliant idea to take 18 credit hours, which is the maximum ODU allows. Now that finals have rolled around, I'm definitely feeling the weight of these classes. I have 6 finals and so far, I have completed 4 of them. None of which have I felt confident about. I'm so mentally drained from everything I have going on that I just want to crawl into bed and lay there like a dead fish. Vivid, right? I'm just ready for the semester to be over already. However, next semester will not be much better. I'm most likely taking 18 credits, again. Not by choice mind you, but I know I can do it. I just might not have much sanity once it's over. Not only will I be taking 18 credit hours, but I will have 2 or 3 jobs on top of it all. Some days, I have no idea how I manage to get myself out of bed. Honestly. Haha.
I talked to my mom for an hour and a half tonight on the phone. Which is rather surprising. Sometimes, I'll be honest, I don't want to call her. Just because it's like, "Ugh mom yes I'm studying for the love of God stop nagging me..." But I enjoy when my mom and I can just talk on the phone and have a nice conversation for a while. We're trying to decide what plans to make for NYE. I convinced her not to throw a NYE party, THANK GOD. Instead of sitting at home, we thought it would be nice to go out maybe to Richmond and enjoy some festivities. The only problem is that everything is so outrageously expensive that we might reconsider. Too, my argument is that we live so close to Richmond, why would we rent a hotel room and stay up there for the night? Personally, I'd rather stay home, cuddle with my cats, drink, and just enjoy their company sitting in front of the fire and watching the ball drop on TV.
Now that I'm rarely home from college, I really value the time when I can just sit at home and relax. At school, I'm busy running here and there and doing whatever it is. When I'm home, I just want to chill. My life is a constant schedule of where to be, when, what I need to get done, and how much I need to accomplish before the day is over. Sometimes I just want to say, "Fuck it all..." and not do anything at all. Oh, the busy life of a college student. I'm sure some people would say, "Oh stop your bitching..." when really, all I can do is bitch about it. I always get my work done and stay on top of my schedule. I'm extremely organized in that way, so I think I have earned the right to bitch about whatever I want.

Speaking of which, let me stop and get back to my homework. 

Until next time,

L M Butler

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Let's catch up.

Well, this is awkward. I let myself take a break from blogging to focus on other things, and that break turned into 3 years... I apologize to everyone. In a nutshell, here's the past three years....

High School - Junior year ending:

Went decent. Lost some friends. Kept some friends. Honestly, at this point, it's all a blur. So, obviously it wasn't but so important.

High School - Senior year:

WOOT! Finally graduated. Class of 2013. Applied for Old Dominion University as my only choice. Got in. Worked like a dog at my least favorite restaurant. Got close to a guy in band. Long story short, he was a total pot head who used me as a source of comfort while we were seniors. Once we graduated, he became old news and got into deeper situations with drugs. I'm glad I grew out of that phase.

ODU - Freshman year:

Came in as a mechanical engineering major. That got old REALLY quick. Changed my major 3 times. Mechanical Engn to Computer Science to Political Science. Yeah, I know, BIG jump. However, now that I'm in political science, I am absolutely in love. I'm pursuing a minor in International Studies as well, so that should be riveting. I changed roommates twice this year. My first roommate turned from a wonderful girl to a psychotic bitch within two months. I had to move or, in all honesty, I probably would have killed her. She was absolutely awful to me. My second roommate was one of my good friends from high school. Her and I became very close, but definitely had our struggles once we began living together. After everything, I love her like my sister and I hope we remain friends for the rest of our lives. She ended up leaving ODU for a nursing program back home, so everything worked out in the end for both of us.
Met a sweet and wonderful guy. He helped me a lot when it came to my Computer Science major. Another long story short, I ripped his heart out. He was literally TOO nice. I like a man who can stand his ground with my outgoing and outspoken attitude. He just didn't make the cut.

ODU - Sophomore year:

Technically, I'm only spending one semester as a sophomore. I have too many credits after this semester so HEY JUNIOR. I live in a single room this year which is amazing. I made an amazing best friend at the end of Freshman year who is my ride or die girl now. Her name is Aaliyah and I could not ask for a more wonderful person to walk with me through life. This semester, I have really had some major ups and downs. I do not want to go into serious details, but I was assaulted by a close friend of mine. It really made me realize who my true friends are and how situations change people. I have gotten myself back into counseling because I need that 'outsider looking in' perspective. I know I have my friends and family, but sometimes they can seem bias. I genuinely hope that things will look up.
Here lately, I have really become accustomed to the feeling of loneliness. Quite frankly, it sucks. I do not want to think of marriage anytime soon, but it would be nice to have a boyfriend. Hell, I haven't had a boyfriend since I was a Freshman in HIGH SCHOOL. This is fine, but seeing everyone else with someone to hold really gets tiring when you are alone. I'm sure anybody can relate to that. Here lately, every guy I meet either isn't as interested in me as I am in them, or vice versa. This one guy is really interested in me but I cannot even force myself to like him. It just isn't going to happen. Poor guy... Then the one guy I can really see myself in a relationship with gave me the, "You're really nice and fun to spend time with, I just don't want to date you...." speech. Okay, cool.

It is what it is sometimes...
Currently rolling with the punches.
I promise that I will post more soon. No more three-year-long breaks.

L M Butler