Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Finals week fatigue

Current feeling
This semester, I decided it would be a brilliant idea to take 18 credit hours, which is the maximum ODU allows. Now that finals have rolled around, I'm definitely feeling the weight of these classes. I have 6 finals and so far, I have completed 4 of them. None of which have I felt confident about. I'm so mentally drained from everything I have going on that I just want to crawl into bed and lay there like a dead fish. Vivid, right? I'm just ready for the semester to be over already. However, next semester will not be much better. I'm most likely taking 18 credits, again. Not by choice mind you, but I know I can do it. I just might not have much sanity once it's over. Not only will I be taking 18 credit hours, but I will have 2 or 3 jobs on top of it all. Some days, I have no idea how I manage to get myself out of bed. Honestly. Haha.
I talked to my mom for an hour and a half tonight on the phone. Which is rather surprising. Sometimes, I'll be honest, I don't want to call her. Just because it's like, "Ugh mom yes I'm studying for the love of God stop nagging me..." But I enjoy when my mom and I can just talk on the phone and have a nice conversation for a while. We're trying to decide what plans to make for NYE. I convinced her not to throw a NYE party, THANK GOD. Instead of sitting at home, we thought it would be nice to go out maybe to Richmond and enjoy some festivities. The only problem is that everything is so outrageously expensive that we might reconsider. Too, my argument is that we live so close to Richmond, why would we rent a hotel room and stay up there for the night? Personally, I'd rather stay home, cuddle with my cats, drink, and just enjoy their company sitting in front of the fire and watching the ball drop on TV.
Now that I'm rarely home from college, I really value the time when I can just sit at home and relax. At school, I'm busy running here and there and doing whatever it is. When I'm home, I just want to chill. My life is a constant schedule of where to be, when, what I need to get done, and how much I need to accomplish before the day is over. Sometimes I just want to say, "Fuck it all..." and not do anything at all. Oh, the busy life of a college student. I'm sure some people would say, "Oh stop your bitching..." when really, all I can do is bitch about it. I always get my work done and stay on top of my schedule. I'm extremely organized in that way, so I think I have earned the right to bitch about whatever I want.

Speaking of which, let me stop and get back to my homework. 

Until next time,

L M Butler

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Let's catch up.

Well, this is awkward. I let myself take a break from blogging to focus on other things, and that break turned into 3 years... I apologize to everyone. In a nutshell, here's the past three years....

High School - Junior year ending:

Went decent. Lost some friends. Kept some friends. Honestly, at this point, it's all a blur. So, obviously it wasn't but so important.

High School - Senior year:

WOOT! Finally graduated. Class of 2013. Applied for Old Dominion University as my only choice. Got in. Worked like a dog at my least favorite restaurant. Got close to a guy in band. Long story short, he was a total pot head who used me as a source of comfort while we were seniors. Once we graduated, he became old news and got into deeper situations with drugs. I'm glad I grew out of that phase.

ODU - Freshman year:

Came in as a mechanical engineering major. That got old REALLY quick. Changed my major 3 times. Mechanical Engn to Computer Science to Political Science. Yeah, I know, BIG jump. However, now that I'm in political science, I am absolutely in love. I'm pursuing a minor in International Studies as well, so that should be riveting. I changed roommates twice this year. My first roommate turned from a wonderful girl to a psychotic bitch within two months. I had to move or, in all honesty, I probably would have killed her. She was absolutely awful to me. My second roommate was one of my good friends from high school. Her and I became very close, but definitely had our struggles once we began living together. After everything, I love her like my sister and I hope we remain friends for the rest of our lives. She ended up leaving ODU for a nursing program back home, so everything worked out in the end for both of us.
Met a sweet and wonderful guy. He helped me a lot when it came to my Computer Science major. Another long story short, I ripped his heart out. He was literally TOO nice. I like a man who can stand his ground with my outgoing and outspoken attitude. He just didn't make the cut.

ODU - Sophomore year:

Technically, I'm only spending one semester as a sophomore. I have too many credits after this semester so HEY JUNIOR. I live in a single room this year which is amazing. I made an amazing best friend at the end of Freshman year who is my ride or die girl now. Her name is Aaliyah and I could not ask for a more wonderful person to walk with me through life. This semester, I have really had some major ups and downs. I do not want to go into serious details, but I was assaulted by a close friend of mine. It really made me realize who my true friends are and how situations change people. I have gotten myself back into counseling because I need that 'outsider looking in' perspective. I know I have my friends and family, but sometimes they can seem bias. I genuinely hope that things will look up.
Here lately, I have really become accustomed to the feeling of loneliness. Quite frankly, it sucks. I do not want to think of marriage anytime soon, but it would be nice to have a boyfriend. Hell, I haven't had a boyfriend since I was a Freshman in HIGH SCHOOL. This is fine, but seeing everyone else with someone to hold really gets tiring when you are alone. I'm sure anybody can relate to that. Here lately, every guy I meet either isn't as interested in me as I am in them, or vice versa. This one guy is really interested in me but I cannot even force myself to like him. It just isn't going to happen. Poor guy... Then the one guy I can really see myself in a relationship with gave me the, "You're really nice and fun to spend time with, I just don't want to date you...." speech. Okay, cool.

It is what it is sometimes...
Currently rolling with the punches.
I promise that I will post more soon. No more three-year-long breaks.

L M Butler

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Summer sun

Tanning
I'm so lazy... Every time I think about updating my blog, I just shrug and go to sleep. Mainly because it is usually around one, two, or three in the morning when the thought crosses my mind. Haha, oh well. So, allow me to update you.
SCHOOL IS OVER. SUMMER IS HERE. AMEN JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY. I am so happy that I survived my junior year. It was a long, difficult, stressful year for so many reasons. I did not finish as strong as I hoped for, but I finished. I honestly thought I would have been held back a year or fail one class because I was out sick for a good portion of the year. In the school system I attend, for those of you reading from across the world or in another state, you are only allowed to miss 10 periods of a single class and 20 periods of your homeroom. Sometimes, they will wave the absences if they were for a valid reason (ie, sickness), but I was still worried. I missed 9 periods of two single classes. I was sweating big time. Haha, but I made it. Thank God. Best of all, I SURVIVED THE BOZ. Oh my gosh, that woman is a great teacher, but the workload is a monster. To some people. it was nothing. However, for me, with everything else I had going on and just personal matters, it was stressful. It is all good now though. My senior year is here and I cannot wait to have the best year ever. I really hope that even with taking four college courses, it will be easier overall if I can keep myself focused.
Now that my senior year is here, I can start the college application process. I am elated to apply to ODU. The more I look at the university, the more I love it. It seems like it will be the perfect school for me. However, my parents are constantly putting me down about it. Telling me that I will not be accepted and will not be able to get enough grants or scholarships to pay for the education... It is really depressing that my own family really does not believe in me, but it just makes me want to prove them wrong. I will be damned if I do not attain my dream. They want me to go to college and earn a degree, but they do not want to be supportive. It would be nice to have the support, but I know I will not get it from them. In the end, it is my future, my education, my life, my dream. If I have to do it on my own, that is fine. At least I know I will not give up on myself.
Graduation came and went. It was extremely emotional to see so many of my close friends leave the Dale hallways and stride across the stage. However, I could not be more proud of all of them. I was able to hold back my tears through the A last names and the B last names, but when I saw my best friend Darby coming up in the C's, I broke down. Thankfully Amanda and Kaitlyn were on stage with me. We were all holding hands, balling our eyes out. All three of us jumped and wooted like wild monkeys when Brandon and Tony had their names called. Just because we love them so much and were so excited to see them walk. It sucks having our bass section break up, but I have a feeling we will all chill one or two days over the summer before our boys leave for college in August.
A few of my friends have actually already left for college. They are either taking summer classes to get ahead or are on athletic scholarship and practicing with their new team. So far, I have been able to remain friends with all of them. However, I can already tell that some of these friendships will soon dwindle. I respect their new lives but that does not mean I will not miss them. To a degree, I care about all of my friends. That is just how I am. Obviously, I care about some more than others. Oh well, I guess. I figure, if the friendship is worth it enough, it will last.
I am trying so hard to find a summer job. It seems like nobody is hiring. The job that I really really really want is looking over applications now, and they told me to call back next week. I pray that I will get an interview and score a job. I need money. Bad. Haha. I want to be able to save some before I go to college.
There really is not a whole lot going on for me this summer. No vacations. No trips. No nothing. I do not mind, but I want to go to the beach so bad. Going to the pool is great and all but... You know. It is not the same. Maybe something will come up last minute like the Weezy concert did, but we shall see...


And by the way,
my birthday is two months from tomorrow! YAY!


L M Butler

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

It's almost over

me, Crystal, Jessica, Alexis, Asheil, Nia
My God this year is ending so quickly. It is crazy. I almost hate it, yet I love it at the same time. Bittersweet is not the term...
Graduation is in fifteen days. I am going to hate to see all of my closest friends leave. 90% of my friends reside in this year's senior class. I really hope I am able to keep in touch with and see a lot of them after everything is said and done. I had to write a paper about Graduation this week and I cried while writing it... I am seriously going to miss some really amazing people. An upside to this event is, I AM A SENIOR. I am too hype for my last year at Dale. I am really looking forward to going to ODU, too. I just hope my senior year goes as smooth as possible.
Speaking of Graduation, the orchestra has started to prepare the music for the ceremony. It just makes the day that much harder. Our bass section is losing Brandon and everyone is torn up about it. Even though most of us are leaving the orchestra after this year, we still hate to see him leave. We are so close, it is like family. We all mean a lot to each other and most of us are best friends. Graduation is going to be so rough this year. I know I will need to take a box of tissues or something...
I decided to go to Prom. It was pretty good. I had a great time. Minus some typical drama, it was all good. I went in a group with some good friends and a few people I did not know. We had dinner at Texas de Brazil and I almost pissed myself when I saw the bill. Four of us shared a ticket and the total was $305. FOR DINNER... I am totally not used to eating at a pish posh restaurant like that, but it was a good experience. Even without Cam as my date, I had a great time. I am almost happy he did not go because I would not have wanted to dance with just him all night.
The whole group
Girls - Alexis, Asheil, me, Nia, Jessica, Crystal
Guys - Jordan, Kuhreem
With the last few weeks of school winding down, I am desperately searching for a sumer job. I refuse to work somewhere fast food. Sorry, but I am above that mess. I would not mind working somewhere like a coffee shop or smoothie hut, though. Only because I venture to those often. I would really like to work in retail, but most places want you to be at least 18 years old... I am a year short. Ugh. Oh well, wish me luck with the job hunt.
Looks like I am running for an SCA office again this year. I really wanted to run for Senior Class President, but there are a lot of people running for that position. I am like, "Uhh.. No.. Nevermind.." So, I have settled on SCA President. Which is just a step up in office for me, but I know I will love it and get the job done.

The bass section
Kaitlyn, Amanda, Brandon, me, Rachel, Victoria
Back to the friends thing, the one guy that I really fell for is graduating. I hope we stay in touch for a long time, but I doubt it will last much longer than a few months after he leaves... I honestly do not think he realizes how much he means to me, but that is okay I guess. I am not going to tell him because I do not want to bother him with all that mess. He has enough to worry about with college, football, and everything else. If he is happy, I am happy. That is all there is to it. As for the other few guys I got close to this year, I will miss them as well. They are going off to college and doing their own thing as well. If they want to keep in touch, I am elated and more than willing. If they do not, I am not going to pressure it. I am not going to try and force a friendship that they are not willing to put an effort into. I just hope they know that they will always have a place in my heart.

What happens, happens. It is what it is.

There is really nothing major to complain about. School is almost over for this year. The weather is hot, but nice. I am feelings better all together. I just really hope this keeps up.

L M Butler

Sunday, April 8, 2012

It's a promise

Spring time
When the day that I die comes, I will be able to have said that I tried. I tried to make something of myself in life. I tried to be a good person. I tried not to hold grudges. I tried to be happy as much as possible. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt to anyone. Everything. I will be able to say that I have left no stone unturned. I am quite proud of that.
Here lately, just like in my last post, Murphy's Law is being one hell of a butt kicker. It never fails that when something good happens, something bad follows it. I mean, I got kidney stones for the ninth or tenth (I lost track) time, I wrecked my vehicle, I lost a few good friends, drama at school is being a pain, my grades were slipping, I have no date for prom, the guy that I really liked flat out stopped talking to me... The list goes on. It is complete bullshit. I try so hard to make every day a good day and try my best to be happy, despite the circumstances, but it is getting extremely difficult to always smile. Now, by nature, I smile and laugh a lot. That is just who I am as a person and I have no shame about it. On the other hand, I put up with a lot of shit from day to day. I am getting worn thin and I need a break from reality.
Thank God spring break is here. I had my wisdom teeth taken out on Thursday, so I actually got an extra day. Not for the best reason, but I will take it. The surgery went well and I am recovering just fine. Only problem is, the medicine I am taking is making me throw up everything I attempt to eat. So, lose/lose situation. Pain medicines are not able to stay in my system long enough to work and I cannot keep food down. Hah, oh well. I will live.
The last weekend of my break, I am supposed to visit ODU for their open house. I was really looking forward to it, but my mom keeps changing her mind. One minute we are going, the next we are not. I could get into a long story about how badly I want to go and all, but I will save the time. I mentioned it to my dad and asked him if he would take me instead. His response, "Well, you're not going to college anyway so I don't know why you want to bother..." Thanks dad, for having faith in me. I have the grades to go, but we have absolutely zero funds. My dad thinks I am blowing smoke up my own ass by dreaming about college and furthering my education. Sorry dad. What do you want me to say? I am just trying to ignore him. I know I can do this for myself one way or another. My parents bitch and complain like they are the ones paying for college. Well, they are not. So, no matter where I go, I will be paying for it once I graduate. If they don't want to or cannot help me, that is completely fine. However, do not sit there and complain about a problem that does not relate to you.
My parents put me down almost everyday about everything. There is nothing I can do that ever pleases them. Hell, I told my dad that I took my SAT and did very well on it. His response, "Well, aren't you a little smartass..." Like, really?! That's what you have to say to your daughter? All I can do is shake my head and move on. My parents really do not realize how often they make me feel like a worthless piece of shit. Their constant complaining about everything gets old. I am only almost 17 years old. The last thing I need is your bullshit excuse for "constructive criticism" and lack of support. From now on, I really do not care about what they have to tell me about my future. They act like they do not want to be in it anyway...
Prom is in about four weeks. I am excited but I am not. It has turned into something that is more stressful than not. The "group" I was going with has excluded me. Then, I was invited into another group, but they are having organizational issues. There are several expenses that I probably should not blow money on right now for Prom... I am almost at the "fuck it" point. I have a dress and shoes, but that is it. No date, dinner plans, etc. Yes, I could do without those things and be appreciative for what I do have. However, that takes away from the fun about Prom. It is a time to splurge on things you do not do every day. Does not look like I will be participating though... Whatever. I will just go walking or something. The last thing I will want to do is be at home that night.
Body work
So, last weekend, I wrecked the mom mobile. I was headed up to Short Pump when it started to rain cats and dogs. My friend and I decided to turn back and head home. When we were on the way back, I hydroplaned into the back of an elderly couple and ruined the front end of my vehicle. The old man made me feel awful, calling me "impatient" and "inattentive." Whatever. Add those to the list of things I do wrong... Of course, my parents are not letting me hear the end of it. "That's another expense you have cost us." "You need to pay for court, driving school, damage... Everything." You know, the typical list. To make it worse, I had a "friend" of mine say to me, "Too bad it wasn't any worse and you got hurt... That would have been more interesting." Thanks a lot asshole...
On the up side to things, I am getting my Senior portraits done in May. I only have nine more weeks until I am a Senior. I am getting ready to apply for jobs. My grades have gone back up. The weather is getting warmer. I am still alive. Those are the good things about life right now...

I try so hard to be happy, but sometimes I just cannot hide it. I try my best to make my parents proud and to be a good friend to everyone. In the end, though, it never seems to be good enough for anyone. I am not a quitter, but this shit is ridiculous.
I promise, to myself and everyone around me, I will always be someone true to myself with an open heart and make something great of myself one day. I do not know how I will do it, but I will.

L M Butler