I am currently in the process of losing a best friend, I think. I have secured an apartment for next semester and she is not living with me. Ever since this was finalized, she has been acting like a petty little child. She will not admit to being upset, but it is blatantly obvious. Why else would she act like such an immature brat? We are not talking as much as we used to, and when we do, her responses are either one word or her infamous "yeaa" text... I am a little irritated, can you tell? And not only that, but she drinks all the time now. I genuinely did not realize that she was an alcoholic. I drink on occasion, but it is rare that I drink to the point of drunk. I guess I am just not as entertained by alcohol as she is. It probably does not help that her roommates are even worse. Worse meaning they drink twice as often. I am sorry, but I have no interest in drinking so often or being around a drunk that often. My plan is to simply avoid the behavior that I do not wish to partake in. I love her, but I do not know what the hell her problem is lately.
On another note, I almost got fired from my internship yesterday... Apparently, I have been given three warning about my "work attire" and am "subject to termination." I was not aware that I had been given that many warnings, but alright... I will certainly keep that in mind. I will wear the exact same outfit every single day since I obviously have pathetic taste in my professional wardrobe. It never ceases to amaze me that other people can get away with 'breaking the rules' and not get reprimanded for it. I am not childish enough to mention that to my supervisor, but I will certainly have a change of attitude in the office. No more being buddy-buddy with anyone. Strictly business - showing up and doing what I am asked to do and nothing more. No more talking about my weekend, having small conversation with everyone, or cracking jokes about a single thing. If I am so "unprofessional," I can really show you how "professional" I can be. When my supervisor or coworkers ask why I am acting so reserved, I will gladly explain that I am "only meeting what is acted of me by my supervisor and in my contract..." The email I received about my "third and final warning" was very insulting and made me feel horrible. So, in return, I will gladly act more professional. I have been insulted and degraded far too many times by multiple supervisors at multiple jobs for me to "shut up and take it." I genuinely do not care about what authority somebody has or who somebody might be in the social sphere, nobody insults me and makes me feel inferior. Much less does someone speak to me as if I am an ignorant child whom cannot think independently.
I am not too sure why, but I am simply miserable here lately. No matter what I do, I am always unhappy. Even when I am extremely happy... For example, Brandon came to visit me and I could not be more ecstatic. I love him to the moon and back, and spending time with him always makes me happy. However, even though I am happy, I cannot help but think in the back of my mind about how much he genuinely does not like me. We have been talking for three full years now, and he is yet to actually commit to me... He says I am the "only girl he spends time with" and so on, but I think it is a load of bullshit. Bullshit. My thought process is, if I am the only girl you spend time with and like in 'that way," why can't you make the move and ask me to be your exclusive girlfriend?... The answer is - bullshit. I have told him time and again that I have very deep feelings for him and he accepts that. However, he is horrified by commitment. Absolutely horrified. His last girlfriend broke up with him after two long years, and got married not even a full month after the breakup. I know that situation made him feel miserable, but now he is taking it out on me by treating me like a convenient piece of ass. I can tell he likes me... But I have zero faith that he will ever want to commit to me and attempt a serious relationship with me... Again, I understand that "we are in college and are trying to get our lives together and secure a future," but for the love of God, stop acting like a fool. I do not know if I should just give up and move on, or wait it out and hope that maybe, one day, he will muster up the balls to commit. Part of me says wait on it, part of me says move the hell on and find somebody else... I have so many good memories with him and not many bad, but the bad consist of how miserable it makes me feel knowing that he does not want me to be his girlfriend. At the end of the day, I have answered my own question... He does not want me.
All in all, I am so confused. By all three of these situations. One minute I am happy, the next I am miserable and crying my eyes out... Like, what the hell do I do?... I have noticed when things go to shit, I simply ignore them and run away. This has happened a couple times with Brandon, but not with my internship or my best friend... I have a feeling I will just run away from the situation with my friend and suck it up and deal with the internship...
Like I said, I am an unhappy, happy, lonely, miserable, little person. I genuinely do not know why.
I am the nicest and most horrible person you will ever meet at the same time... The only time I am horrible to someone is if they cross me or disrespect me...
L M Butler