Snow Daze on Snow Days

Frozen lion

If watching the news is in your daily agenda, you have probably heard about the massive snow storm that hit the east coast. It was nothing to really write home about other than it got me out of class today. Yay for a lazy day! On the other hand, my university had facilities management going around campus with bobcat machines to clear the sidewalks. When did they do this? At 5:30 in the bloody morning. It was everything I could do not to scream out my window at them. Oh well... I went back to sleep anyway.

I am currently in the process of losing a best friend, I think. I have secured an apartment for next semester and she is not living with me. Ever since this was finalized, she has been acting like a petty little child. She will not admit to being upset, but it is blatantly obvious. Why else would she act like such an immature brat? We are not talking as much as we used to, and when we do, her responses are either one word or her infamous "yeaa" text... I am a little irritated, can you tell? And not only that, but she drinks all the time now. I genuinely did not realize that she was an alcoholic. I drink on occasion, but it is rare that I drink to the point of drunk. I guess I am just not as entertained by alcohol as she is. It probably does not help that her roommates are even worse. Worse meaning they drink twice as often. I am sorry, but I have no interest in drinking so often or being around a drunk that often. My plan is to simply avoid the behavior that I do not wish to partake in. I love her, but I do not know what the hell her problem is lately.

On another note, I almost got fired from my internship yesterday... Apparently, I have been given three warning about my "work attire" and am "subject to termination." I was not aware that I had been given that many warnings, but alright... I will certainly keep that in mind. I will wear the exact same outfit every single day since I obviously have pathetic taste in my professional wardrobe. It never ceases to amaze me that other people can get away with 'breaking the rules' and not get reprimanded for it. I am not childish enough to mention that to my supervisor, but I will certainly have a change of attitude in the office. No more being buddy-buddy with anyone. Strictly business - showing up and doing what I am asked to do and nothing more. No more talking about my weekend, having small conversation with everyone, or cracking jokes about a single thing. If I am so "unprofessional," I can really show you how "professional" I can be. When my supervisor or coworkers ask why I am acting so reserved, I will gladly explain that I am "only meeting what is acted of me by my supervisor and in my contract..." The email I received about my "third and final warning" was very insulting and made me feel horrible. So, in return, I will gladly act more professional. I have been insulted and degraded far too many times by multiple supervisors at multiple jobs for me to "shut up and take it." I genuinely do not care about what authority somebody has or who somebody might be in the social sphere, nobody insults me and makes me feel inferior. Much less does someone speak to me as if I am an ignorant child whom cannot think independently. 

I am not too sure why, but I am simply miserable here lately. No matter what I do, I am always unhappy. Even when I am extremely happy... For example, Brandon came to visit me and I could not be more ecstatic. I love him to the moon and back, and spending time with him always makes me happy. However, even though I am happy, I cannot help but think in the back of my mind about how much he genuinely does not like me. We have been talking for three full years now, and he is yet to actually commit to me... He says I am the "only girl he spends time with" and so on, but I think it is a load of bullshit. Bullshit. My thought process is, if I am the only girl you spend time with and like in 'that way," why can't you make the move and ask me to be your exclusive girlfriend?... The answer is - bullshit. I have told him time and again that I have very deep feelings for him and he accepts that. However, he is horrified by commitment. Absolutely horrified. His last girlfriend broke up with him after two long years, and got married not even a full month after the breakup. I know that situation made him feel miserable, but now he is taking it out on me by treating me like a convenient piece of ass. I can tell he likes me... But I have zero faith that he will ever want to commit to me and attempt a serious relationship with me... Again, I understand that "we are in college and are trying to get our lives together and secure a future," but for the love of God, stop acting like a fool. I do not know if I should just give up and move on, or wait it out and hope that maybe, one day, he will muster up the balls to commit. Part of me says wait on it, part of me says move the hell on and find somebody else... I have so many good memories with him and not many bad, but the bad consist of how miserable it makes me feel knowing that he does not want me to be his girlfriend. At the end of the day, I have answered my own question... He does not want me. 

All in all, I am so confused. By all three of these situations. One minute I am happy, the next I am miserable and crying my eyes out... Like, what the hell do I do?... I have noticed when things go to shit, I simply ignore them and run away. This has happened a couple times with Brandon, but not with my internship or my best friend... I have a feeling I will just run away from the situation with my friend and suck it up and deal with the internship... 

Like I said, I am an unhappy, happy, lonely, miserable, little person. I genuinely do not know why. 

I am the nicest and most horrible person you will ever meet at the same time... The only time I am horrible to someone is if they cross me or disrespect me...

L M Butler

"I wanna hang out with my wang out!"

Tutoring and teaching students is much harder than it seems.  I'm a 4th and 5th grade tutor and the students are hilarious.  Considering the innocence of a 9 year old, I couldn't stop laughing at what this one little boy had to say to me one day.  "Ms. L, I wanna hang out with my wang out!", said JB.

"Excuse me?! You're 9 years old!", I replied in amusement.

JB said, "I know, but the ladies like it.  They call me cute and sweet and adorable."

"Because you're NINE!", I said.

"Age is only a number baby.  Speaking of numbers, may I have yours?", JB said with a smile.

This little boy is the funniest child in the world.  He's loud and misbehaves quite often, although I must admit I find it amusing at times.  

On another note, I'm trying my hardest to leave Zachary out of my mind.  My opinion is, I've made an effort to be friends and be polite, although if you're going to ignore my texts and be a jerk about everything, then there's no need for me to waste my time on somebody who doesn't want me to bother them.  Time will tell if it was either meant to be or if he actually cares enough to remain friends.  Otherwise, I need to look forward and move on, no matter how difficult it may be.  Change could be all I need.  Although, I have a feeling that I will always love him and care about him deep down, to some degree.  "Maybe it's time to change, And leave it all behind, I've never been one to walk alone, I've always been scared to try, So why does it feel so wrong, To reach for something more, To wanna live a better life, What am I waiting for?, 'Cause nothing stays the same, Maybe it's time to change." Maybe - Sick Puppies

L M Butler

Misery at its best

For the past three and a half weeks, it seems that my life can do nothing but go into a downward spiral. The list of bad things happening to me keeps growing, and I don't know what to make of it. I lost the man of my dreams, I got two C+'s on my exams, my braces broke, I have poison ivy from yard work, I got a little sunburn, my best friend will barely talk to me; the list goes on. Also, to top it off, my "self propelled" lawn mower decided to stop "self propelling". In which, I'm pushing 165 lbs. of dead weight across my front and back lawn. I have to admit, it's one heck of a workout. And my so called "best friend" doesn't act like he even wants to be my best friend. He works a lot, is tired, and has a life other than me; I understand all this, although I miss him. He's a great guy, but I don't know what to think anymore. He confuses me to death and I hate that. It makes me feel vulnerable when I don't know what he's thinking. I know things take time, to move on and settle, but I'm rather impatent.

L M Butler