Sunday, April 8, 2012

It's a promise

Spring time
When the day that I die comes, I will be able to have said that I tried. I tried to make something of myself in life. I tried to be a good person. I tried not to hold grudges. I tried to be happy as much as possible. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt to anyone. Everything. I will be able to say that I have left no stone unturned. I am quite proud of that.
Here lately, just like in my last post, Murphy's Law is being one hell of a butt kicker. It never fails that when something good happens, something bad follows it. I mean, I got kidney stones for the ninth or tenth (I lost track) time, I wrecked my vehicle, I lost a few good friends, drama at school is being a pain, my grades were slipping, I have no date for prom, the guy that I really liked flat out stopped talking to me... The list goes on. It is complete bullshit. I try so hard to make every day a good day and try my best to be happy, despite the circumstances, but it is getting extremely difficult to always smile. Now, by nature, I smile and laugh a lot. That is just who I am as a person and I have no shame about it. On the other hand, I put up with a lot of shit from day to day. I am getting worn thin and I need a break from reality.
Thank God spring break is here. I had my wisdom teeth taken out on Thursday, so I actually got an extra day. Not for the best reason, but I will take it. The surgery went well and I am recovering just fine. Only problem is, the medicine I am taking is making me throw up everything I attempt to eat. So, lose/lose situation. Pain medicines are not able to stay in my system long enough to work and I cannot keep food down. Hah, oh well. I will live.
The last weekend of my break, I am supposed to visit ODU for their open house. I was really looking forward to it, but my mom keeps changing her mind. One minute we are going, the next we are not. I could get into a long story about how badly I want to go and all, but I will save the time. I mentioned it to my dad and asked him if he would take me instead. His response, "Well, you're not going to college anyway so I don't know why you want to bother..." Thanks dad, for having faith in me. I have the grades to go, but we have absolutely zero funds. My dad thinks I am blowing smoke up my own ass by dreaming about college and furthering my education. Sorry dad. What do you want me to say? I am just trying to ignore him. I know I can do this for myself one way or another. My parents bitch and complain like they are the ones paying for college. Well, they are not. So, no matter where I go, I will be paying for it once I graduate. If they don't want to or cannot help me, that is completely fine. However, do not sit there and complain about a problem that does not relate to you.
My parents put me down almost everyday about everything. There is nothing I can do that ever pleases them. Hell, I told my dad that I took my SAT and did very well on it. His response, "Well, aren't you a little smartass..." Like, really?! That's what you have to say to your daughter? All I can do is shake my head and move on. My parents really do not realize how often they make me feel like a worthless piece of shit. Their constant complaining about everything gets old. I am only almost 17 years old. The last thing I need is your bullshit excuse for "constructive criticism" and lack of support. From now on, I really do not care about what they have to tell me about my future. They act like they do not want to be in it anyway...
Prom is in about four weeks. I am excited but I am not. It has turned into something that is more stressful than not. The "group" I was going with has excluded me. Then, I was invited into another group, but they are having organizational issues. There are several expenses that I probably should not blow money on right now for Prom... I am almost at the "fuck it" point. I have a dress and shoes, but that is it. No date, dinner plans, etc. Yes, I could do without those things and be appreciative for what I do have. However, that takes away from the fun about Prom. It is a time to splurge on things you do not do every day. Does not look like I will be participating though... Whatever. I will just go walking or something. The last thing I will want to do is be at home that night.
Body work
So, last weekend, I wrecked the mom mobile. I was headed up to Short Pump when it started to rain cats and dogs. My friend and I decided to turn back and head home. When we were on the way back, I hydroplaned into the back of an elderly couple and ruined the front end of my vehicle. The old man made me feel awful, calling me "impatient" and "inattentive." Whatever. Add those to the list of things I do wrong... Of course, my parents are not letting me hear the end of it. "That's another expense you have cost us." "You need to pay for court, driving school, damage... Everything." You know, the typical list. To make it worse, I had a "friend" of mine say to me, "Too bad it wasn't any worse and you got hurt... That would have been more interesting." Thanks a lot asshole...
On the up side to things, I am getting my Senior portraits done in May. I only have nine more weeks until I am a Senior. I am getting ready to apply for jobs. My grades have gone back up. The weather is getting warmer. I am still alive. Those are the good things about life right now...

I try so hard to be happy, but sometimes I just cannot hide it. I try my best to make my parents proud and to be a good friend to everyone. In the end, though, it never seems to be good enough for anyone. I am not a quitter, but this shit is ridiculous.
I promise, to myself and everyone around me, I will always be someone true to myself with an open heart and make something great of myself one day. I do not know how I will do it, but I will.

L M Butler


bjwsfitness said...

This is a splendid blog post! Not due to the unfortunate events that occur but the emotion you have just released! It's good to get all that out, whether people read it or not, that's not what matters. What matters is that you got it out one way or another!
I am terribly sorry for all the negative things that bring you down in life, but it sounds to me like a part of you is much wiser, sophisticated, and knowing that all in due time things will work out for you.
Pertaining to your parents you won't always have to live with them, so they can say what they want and tear you down but that stronger side of you knows you're better than that and there is more out there waiting, and it's true, it's so true! So don't ever forget, you're better than all that, and you are the one who determines how your life goes not your parents, no your friends, just you. :)
As for prom, I failed my grade 12 year by half a credit. I felt I was unworthy to attend my own prom with my own classmates. I had no date I just simply felt unworthy. I missed that year, I went back to my victory lap to get my half credit in which I attended the prom that year, it was terrible. The most pathetic thing I'd ever been to embarrassing. Where I'm going with this is, ask yourself is prom important to you? Is it something you need to do? You want to do? Or are completely indifferent? Because the truth of it is, a couple years down the road you'll remember your prom for what you made of it, whether you went or not, or your attitude towards it. Choose only what makes you happy and brings a smile to your face. Don't let anything or anyone bring you down, at the end of the day, at the end of your life, it's all about you! This is your story, you can be the center of attention the main character, be who you want to be!
The mom mobile sucks! But let's get serious hydroplaning happens to a lot of bloody people. Your parents can harp on you all they want, but ask them, "so you've never hydroplaned?". It's a situation that happens to A LOT of drivers, myself included. Don't sweat it, the old man driving can say what he wants he's in shock, so he's just lashing out of human instinct. Your parents by the sounds of it are sticking to their theme of bringing their daughter down, don't let it. It happens, it's an expensive accident, don't get me wrong, but it happens, the most important thing is in that moment what you learned. If you you learned anything from that moment, hang on to that cause that's valuable life knowledge you can pass on to someone else in the future!

Keep working towards a great future cause that's where your one half is headed! We all have little angels and demons gettin' comfy on our shoulders, pay attention to the comments that bring you satisfaction in life. Your blog posts display two sides of you, one pouring out all your emotions and thoughts, the other is the instructor. It knows you're going to move on, it screams you're better then all this. Listen to that, cause your just as important as anyone else on this earth.

I to wanna do something great someday, I'm 22 and I don't feel like I have done anything worth bragging about. I'm not rich i'm not famous, I'm nothing out of the ordinary. But your last comment speaks volumes! Re-read that, and keep that in focus, cause that's your instructor self telling you, the future ahead is as great as you make it!

I'm soo sorry for making a super long comment it's almost rude of me to do, but I really enjoyed your blog and I look forward to reading more!

PS: You've got awesome taste in music! Twas music that made me found your blog!

L M Butler said...

First of all, this is by far the longest comment ever left on one of my posts. Lol
Thank you for reading though. I'm glad you're interested.
I ended up going to prom. I had a great time, for what it's worth. I'm actually about to post about it now...
The car accident is behind me now. However, I have a court date in June that will determine how much my ticket will cost.
As for my future, I have settled on ODU. Like you said, I need to listen to myself and not anybody else. It's my future, not theirs.
I intend on making something great of myself, come Hell or high water.
Thanks again :)

L M Butler